"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become." -Unknown
In so many ways life is changing. Family is moving, friends are separating, love is extinguishing, and life seems to be in a blur. Family is moving to Tennessee and West Virginia. Friends are becoming "not so good" friends. Love is no longer something that I think I will ever have. Still, life in general is a mess. For instance, I will be transferring to UTK in Fall 2011. This means that I'll be moving to Tennessee with my mom. I will have no friends, I will be at a new school with new professors and new people. While everyone in Tennessee is very nice, I'm not sure what will happen to the "friends" that I have in Ohio. People that I thought cared, I have learned do not care at all. And while all of this seems like a very negative thing; I feel that it is a change for the good. I hate the person that I am/ the person that I became. This is my chance to start over, to be who I want to/ was meant to be. Still, there are so many things that I will miss about Ohio. For one thing, I'll miss my true friends, Ted especially. I have to move to Tennessee as it is the best option in every way.
In the past two years, I have learned a lot about who I am. Seeing myself change from what I was in high school to what I am in college is not the typical college student change. I changed not so much in the major things like my desire to be the best, my competitive obsession, my resistance to help unless I greatly need it, my straightforwardness, or even my "I must have a 4.0 GPA" goal/ desire. I haven't changed my love for music, action and comedy movies, or my want to help everyone but myself. I have changed in the following ways: I know what it is like to love someone that loves someone else (I have felt a deep pain that I have never experienced before), I know my level of jealously and that I don't need to be quite so jealous, I am able to relax a little more, and I don't need to be "in a relationship" to be nearly whole. I feel like I'm missing a large part of me, I can't be held or hold someone, I see the one that I love holding someone else. I appear to be strong, but I'm not as strong as I appear. There is more to me than meets the eye and no one is willing to reach down, pull me out from between my four walls and get to know me.
How does one become the person they were supposed to be from the beginning? I feel like I'm nearly there, but not quite. Like there is this huge sign that I missed along the way that said "Turn Here". I feel like I'm collapsing under my own weight... I don't know what to do. This feeling of helplessness is not one that is foreign to me, but is foreign that I am sharing it. I'm just glad that no one reads this blog as it has been inactive for so long.
For now, you have read the thoughts on my mind. The thought that my world, as I know it, is changing. I believe it is for the better, but I am not sure. To many in Ohio, they feel that I am running away, when really I would rather stay and be in my "land of the ordinary and familiar" as opposed to the " land of the unknown". Come on, who really wants to be in the land of unknown. So I will leave you with a couple of quotes about changing.
“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.” - Arnold Bennett
"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do." - Benjamin Spock
