Fear

The great god Fear grinned back at me:
"I am the foe men never see,
The hurt they never feel," said he.

"I am the wrong they never bear,
The poison they themselves prepare.
I am the shadow on the stair.

"I have no voice and yet I speak;
No strength and yet I blanch the cheek
And leave the strongest mortals weak.

"I am the blackguard man befriends,
Heeds most, feeds, cherishes, attends
And 'gainst all counsel wise defends.

"I fire no gun, I make no cry,
No lodging place in fact have I,
Yet I'm the countless deaths men die.

"Mine is a humor ghastly grim,
The lamp of reason I can dim,
Though I am nothing but a whim.

"I am man's cruelest, bitterest foe,
Yet past his door I could not go,
Had he the wit to tell me; 'No'."

- Edgar A. Guest (Fear)

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Fear is something that all of us live with. Be it a phobia of crowds, spiders, confined spaces, heights, or any other phobia or normal fear. My fear is failure. Failure for me is not what some may consider failure. To me, failure is not measuring up to some goal; it is not being good enough. 

Many people say that people need to fail at least once in their life to know what success feels like. I have failed in my life. You may just not know how I have. Everyday I fail, I don't measure up the the standards and the goals that I set for myself. I never know enough, understand enough, love enough, provide enough, help enough, give enough, etc. To fear failure in the way that I do, it makes taking "risks" impossible. To go on a leap of faith is simply not rational enough to risk failure. While God has a plan for me, I still have yet to give Him complete control. I can say it as much as I want to, but my fear of failure make me desire the control that I never had in my life. 

Fearing something in general is one of the worst feelings; someone saying "the only thing to fear is fear itself" normally makes things worse. I am well aware that, my fear of failure in day-to-day tasks can hinder everything I do in life, especially what I can do to expand God's kingdom.

I have posted about "Fear" many times on this blog; yet, I can't seem to get over mine. What is a way to let go; how does one let go? How does one do it, and really mean it? To stop my fear would change my life and change me as a person. I would no longer be the "mother hen" that I am. What would I become if I let go? Who would I become if I gave up control? Just as I had said in a very recent blog, every question I ask is showing the lack of trust I have in the scriptures written below. Fear should be nothing in my life; yet, I'm surrounded by fear. In 2006, I talked on this blog about "My Darkness" in a poem I wrote. In many ways, I have found the light in my darkness. In other ways, I'm still surrounded, trying to break free of the chains that I put on myself long ago. To be perfect is impossible - unless you're God-- so to try to be is insanity. Insanity, in Einstein's view, was to do something over and over again and to expect a different result. I, then, am going through insanity.

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12 I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. - John 14: 12

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11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. - Jeremiah 29: 11-13 

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"Fear" - Casting Crowns

Oh,what I would do
To have the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win,
you'll never win."

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the stone was just the right size
to take the giant down
And the waves don't seem so high
when I'm standing on top of them looking down
And I'd soar with the wings of eagles
if I could just ignore the sound
Of the waves and the giants,
the waves and the giants in my mind

Lord, you've not given me a spirit of fear
But of power and of love,
and of a sound mind
So from now on,
I won't let the tempter's lies
turn my eyes away from the prize

That you have set before me.

That you have set before me.