Lesson 43 - Regrets

"Eleven Regrets" - Manic Drive

Put my head up against the wall
I couldn't help but stall
With eleven regrets
One flower
I'm lost and I'm ashamed
Cause all I have to give
Is eleven regrets
One flower

My God what have I become?
A broken man with no second chances
Who am I to say that you're to blame?
I want to be who I say I am
But my actions show that I modestly can't
Have I've turned into what I hate?
And I wonder what You think
When You're staring down at me
Is it time to intervene?

Put my head up against the wall
I couldn't help but stall
With eleven regrets
One flower
I'm lost and I'm ashamed
Cause all I have to give
Is eleven regrets
One flower

I'm lost and I'm ashamed...

Consequences are interesting
When the thorns penetrate
But can't go deep enough to bleed
Oh I wish right now that was the case
What kind of example am I
If I continue this way defiling my life?
What if they knew me like You do?
And I wonder what You think
When You're staring down at me
Is it time to intervene?

And I wonder what You think
When You're staring down at me
Is it time to intervene?
And I wonder what she'll think
When she's staring down at me
Maybe it's time to intervene?

 The verse in this song that is emboldened and underlined is pretty much exactly how I feel with my life. I have so many regrets, something that I shouldn't have. I should have done this for that one person that I pushed away, I should have lived instead of living to die. 

I regret actions in my past. I'm not saying that I regret where I am in life, I just wonder who I could have been had I stuck to what I said I believed in. I have tried my entire life to make everyone else happy all the time. I have worn myself thin and I know that I need the breath that God breathed into me. He will give me that freedom, but am I willing to accept it? Do I forgive myself for the wrong that I've done. It isn't that I have done anything that every other human hasn't done, but that is just it; how am I different? I say that I am reborn in the Spirit. I am just now starting to show it. I then go back to my old ways for fear of losing that control that I know that I don't have that I speak of often. I regret stopping going to church every Sunday just because no one would go with me. No one else will be standing with me at the judgment bar, I and I alone will be responsible for my actions and my reactions. To blame another for my lapse is not the right thing to do. This is my biggest regret. I wasn't who I wanted to be; I'm still not who I want to be.

There are so many things that I could say that I regret, but there is a longer list than I would like to provide to the world. In my blog post "Words to Live By," I posted the poem "Myself" by Edgar A. Guest. I still am hoping that I can say this. I want to get involved more so in the church, I want to get to know the people in the church so going alone doesn't feel like I'm alone. I have always been a person that didn't need others, maybe not staying after and "conversing" has hindered me. I was instilled with the "okay, next thing to do" attitude. I never stop, just stop and think about it all. I never second guessed the life I lived until 3 months ago. 20 years of misunderstanding my purpose, I understand my purpose now. The question now is, will I continue to regret or will I do something to ensure that I don't become what I hate.