Lesson 52 - No Fear, No Worry

 

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When you let go, you feel free. Uncertainty no longer matters; He will provide. I am certain that I love God; I am certain that He loves me; I am certain that He will protect, help, and be with me. All other things no longer matter. My worries of what I will eat, drink, wear, have, and need are overcome by the life that God has given me. Money is no longer the master of me; the fear of not having enough is no longer the master of me. My past is no longer the master of my future. The journey will be only to follow Christ and His call. Needs will be met, action and inaction has a purpose. Waiting is a necessary occurrence that will serve a purpose to please God. Everything will come together for God's purpose, not mine.    

When you loose it all, when you have nothing left, that is when you will be set free. 

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Do Not Worry
Matthew 6:25-33–Luke 12:22-31

 

25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Lesson 51 - Letting Go

“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.” -Hermann Hesse

So many times on this blog I have said that I need to give up the control that I do not possess to God. I've said so many times that I know that He will provide and care for me when I do. I have repeated my fears over and over again until I can no longer stand it. I've submersed myself in my fears for 20 years; yet, I never tried to overcome them.

As I look back at everything I've learned since the start of this journey (February), I can't help but think that, although I believed and always will believe in God, He sent me on a journey to show me that I really didn't believe the right way: with my heart. I always tried to have a hold of my heart; I always tried to have control of my mind.

To let go is everything that I have needed to do yet everything I wasn't willing to do. In Mark, I was the rich man that wouldn't give up his possessions (control) to follow Christ. As I walked away with my head held low in shame, God said He loved me. My fears of failure, loss of control, and inadequacy have ruled my life. While they ruled my life, I have done nothing but see those fears come to life. As I lived my life in insanity, by Einstein's definition, I continued to hope for a different result.

Have I had a hard life? No. Have I lived a "wild" life? No. Have I lived a life in which I should be ashamed? No. Have I lived a life of experience? No. Have I taken any risks? No. Have I done anything to make a difference in anyone's life? I'm not sure. I have not lived a life that many would regret, but I have not lived a life that has changed many people for the better either. I have lived in the comfortable, gray area. My family, friends, and life are not what someone might call typical. The stress I feel is not something that a normal 20 year old would feel. The things expected of me are not what is normally expected of a 20 year old either. Still, I have done nothing in my life but excel for me, not for the glory of God. Yes, I praise Him when I succeed because I know that He is the reason that I do, but I do not do it for Him and His will, just my own. Because of this, I am always lacking something. My fear of never measuring up and being good enough is always occurring because I'm not measuring up to what God wants me to do and be.

For this reason, and many more, I'm giving up the control I never had. I am living in the spontaneity that is God. Come whatever may, God will provide. I will follow His command. I will go where He wants me to go. Skepticism for those that are "false prophets" must always exist; however, my conscious, the little voice inside my head, I will listen to. Until now, my voice has told me to be the ultraconservative, "mother hen" figure. God is always talking to me in a whisper, I have to shut up enough to listen to what He has to say in order to know that He doesn't want comfort, He wants me to live for Him and Him alone. I no longer want to be caught in the middle of the world and His Kingdom. I want to hear His whisper; I want to hear His call.

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Faulted

Although I have faulted,
by my side you've stayed.
Never once timid, or fallen away.
Yet in a new struggle,
my fear turns into doubt.
Yet again I've faulted,
my time is running out.

Come, save me, once again.
Save me from this life I've lived.
take all my pain away,
make my faults go far away!

Lord, my sins all laugh at me,
smile and poke fun at me.
They tell me I will never change,
still my hope in You remains.
though I fall from shaky ground,
my faith in You is so renound
that all I can seem to do
is sit hear and speak with you.

Come, save me, once again.
Save me from this life I've lived.
take all my pain away,
make my faults go far away!

Through You my life remains,
because of you, I am saved!
Hear me now, Lord of Lords,
Only You do I praise.
Take away all my sins,
Please forgive the faults I've lived.

Come, save me, once again.
Save me from this life I've lived.
take all my pain away,
make my faults go far away!

Though I have faulted,
by my side you've stayed.
Please, dear God,
don't ever fade away.
Although I cry out, here and now,
I will need You, no matter how.
Still my faith in You remains,
Never will it go away.


- Anna Pacella

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Fear

The great god Fear grinned back at me:
"I am the foe men never see,
The hurt they never feel," said he.

"I am the wrong they never bear,
The poison they themselves prepare.
I am the shadow on the stair.

"I have no voice and yet I speak;
No strength and yet I blanch the cheek
And leave the strongest mortals weak.

"I am the blackguard man befriends,
Heeds most, feeds, cherishes, attends
And 'gainst all counsel wise defends.

"I fire no gun, I make no cry,
No lodging place in fact have I,
Yet I'm the countless deaths men die.

"Mine is a humor ghastly grim,
The lamp of reason I can dim,
Though I am nothing but a whim.

"I am man's cruelest, bitterest foe,
Yet past his door I could not go,
Had he the wit to tell me; 'No'."

- Edgar A. Guest (Fear)

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Fear is something that all of us live with. Be it a phobia of crowds, spiders, confined spaces, heights, or any other phobia or normal fear. My fear is failure. Failure for me is not what some may consider failure. To me, failure is not measuring up to some goal; it is not being good enough. 

Many people say that people need to fail at least once in their life to know what success feels like. I have failed in my life. You may just not know how I have. Everyday I fail, I don't measure up the the standards and the goals that I set for myself. I never know enough, understand enough, love enough, provide enough, help enough, give enough, etc. To fear failure in the way that I do, it makes taking "risks" impossible. To go on a leap of faith is simply not rational enough to risk failure. While God has a plan for me, I still have yet to give Him complete control. I can say it as much as I want to, but my fear of failure make me desire the control that I never had in my life. 

Fearing something in general is one of the worst feelings; someone saying "the only thing to fear is fear itself" normally makes things worse. I am well aware that, my fear of failure in day-to-day tasks can hinder everything I do in life, especially what I can do to expand God's kingdom.

I have posted about "Fear" many times on this blog; yet, I can't seem to get over mine. What is a way to let go; how does one let go? How does one do it, and really mean it? To stop my fear would change my life and change me as a person. I would no longer be the "mother hen" that I am. What would I become if I let go? Who would I become if I gave up control? Just as I had said in a very recent blog, every question I ask is showing the lack of trust I have in the scriptures written below. Fear should be nothing in my life; yet, I'm surrounded by fear. In 2006, I talked on this blog about "My Darkness" in a poem I wrote. In many ways, I have found the light in my darkness. In other ways, I'm still surrounded, trying to break free of the chains that I put on myself long ago. To be perfect is impossible - unless you're God-- so to try to be is insanity. Insanity, in Einstein's view, was to do something over and over again and to expect a different result. I, then, am going through insanity.

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12 I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. - John 14: 12

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11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. - Jeremiah 29: 11-13 

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"Fear" - Casting Crowns

Oh,what I would do
To have the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win,
you'll never win."

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the stone was just the right size
to take the giant down
And the waves don't seem so high
when I'm standing on top of them looking down
And I'd soar with the wings of eagles
if I could just ignore the sound
Of the waves and the giants,
the waves and the giants in my mind

Lord, you've not given me a spirit of fear
But of power and of love,
and of a sound mind
So from now on,
I won't let the tempter's lies
turn my eyes away from the prize

That you have set before me.

That you have set before me.
 

Prisoner at the Bar

Prisoner at the Bar

And the judge said: "What! no money to pay
In your hour of need
A lawyer to plead
Your case to-day?
And you come to the bar
Just as you are,
Poor and alone, with no friends to nudge
The solemn sides of the powerful judge
And ask as a personal favor that you
Be spared the punishment justly due?
Well, be not afraid!
Let be case be laid
Here before me. Though poor you are
And alone you must stand at the judgment bar
With the best and the worst of you known, my son,
I'll forgive you most of the wrong you've done."

If these lines you've read
You may think them odd,
But the man was dead
And the judge was God.

 - Edgar A. Guest

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This poem is a great poem that all should remember in their life. 

First things first, money will not buy your way into heaven, nor will a lawyer be able to lie for you about what you have done in your past and present. Second, you will be judged as you are when you die, not how you were at your best moment in life. Third, no one will stand in judgment with us! Your friend, mother, father, lover, sister, or brother cannot save you from your fate. Forth, we deserve nothing; we deserve death. However, God will spare us our just punishment and instead give us the opposite; He will give us grace. Fifth, EVERYTHING will be known about our past. Everything you or I were to ashamed to tell another human being, God will know. Sixth, no matter what happens, He will forgive you of the wrongs that  you have done if you ask for Him too. Finally, God is our ultimately judge so do not worry what others think of you - as hard as that might be.

No matter where we are in life, God has a plan for us. It might be to be in heaven with Him tomorrow, or it could be to spread His word until we are 100 years old. Whatever it is, God has a plan and He makes it happen for a reason that we may not understand now, but we might be able to in time.

Simplicity

Simplicity is something that everyone says they want in life. They don't want the drama, the heart ache, the turmoil. They want a simple life that is free of all the aforementioned negative things. However, we fear simplicity; I fear simplicity. I over think everything! If I don't over think it, I feel like I'm missing something. Simplicity is something that Albert Einstein wanted and discussed many times. Still, I over think everything, I don't give the benefit of the doubt because my mind will tell me I'm wrong; there has to be something more. I am like the Pharisees in John 9 when they continued to question the blind man who just knew his story. I question and question, but the answers are never enough. I still want to know more; I still don't believe what others say.

The simplicity I want in my life will only come about when I de-clutter my life from the drama and turmoil that I put myself in. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent just like no one can make me feel bad about myself unless I let them. I need to not worry about my fears are - failure, being disliked, not knowing, etc.- and truly live to be simple. Simplicity, as long as you don't make it simpler than it is, is the best way to live your life. You wont find the ulterior motives of others that you think they have. You will find that you will live a happier life without the stress, drama, and heart ache that you cause your self due to a distrust of, not others, but of yourself.