Lesson 51 - Letting Go

“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.” -Hermann Hesse

So many times on this blog I have said that I need to give up the control that I do not possess to God. I've said so many times that I know that He will provide and care for me when I do. I have repeated my fears over and over again until I can no longer stand it. I've submersed myself in my fears for 20 years; yet, I never tried to overcome them.

As I look back at everything I've learned since the start of this journey (February), I can't help but think that, although I believed and always will believe in God, He sent me on a journey to show me that I really didn't believe the right way: with my heart. I always tried to have a hold of my heart; I always tried to have control of my mind.

To let go is everything that I have needed to do yet everything I wasn't willing to do. In Mark, I was the rich man that wouldn't give up his possessions (control) to follow Christ. As I walked away with my head held low in shame, God said He loved me. My fears of failure, loss of control, and inadequacy have ruled my life. While they ruled my life, I have done nothing but see those fears come to life. As I lived my life in insanity, by Einstein's definition, I continued to hope for a different result.

Have I had a hard life? No. Have I lived a "wild" life? No. Have I lived a life in which I should be ashamed? No. Have I lived a life of experience? No. Have I taken any risks? No. Have I done anything to make a difference in anyone's life? I'm not sure. I have not lived a life that many would regret, but I have not lived a life that has changed many people for the better either. I have lived in the comfortable, gray area. My family, friends, and life are not what someone might call typical. The stress I feel is not something that a normal 20 year old would feel. The things expected of me are not what is normally expected of a 20 year old either. Still, I have done nothing in my life but excel for me, not for the glory of God. Yes, I praise Him when I succeed because I know that He is the reason that I do, but I do not do it for Him and His will, just my own. Because of this, I am always lacking something. My fear of never measuring up and being good enough is always occurring because I'm not measuring up to what God wants me to do and be.

For this reason, and many more, I'm giving up the control I never had. I am living in the spontaneity that is God. Come whatever may, God will provide. I will follow His command. I will go where He wants me to go. Skepticism for those that are "false prophets" must always exist; however, my conscious, the little voice inside my head, I will listen to. Until now, my voice has told me to be the ultraconservative, "mother hen" figure. God is always talking to me in a whisper, I have to shut up enough to listen to what He has to say in order to know that He doesn't want comfort, He wants me to live for Him and Him alone. I no longer want to be caught in the middle of the world and His Kingdom. I want to hear His whisper; I want to hear His call.

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