Backstabbing Christians

1 When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. 2 For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 3 I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. 4 My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, 5 so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power. - 1 Corinthians 2:1-5

  When we profess our faith to others, what are we really doing? Are we trying to boast about what we have learned about ourselves, or are we boasting about God? Are we nothing when we come before others, or do we try to make ourselves look better than they are? We are competitive by nature; thus, I have a feeling that it is more about ourselves look great than about bringing others to God. 

When we testify, we should do it in a way that shows that we are nothing without God's power and grace. We should testify in a way that will make us as they are. This is what Paul did; he became - if only at face value - what others were in order to show that he was no better than them. Jesus became the lowly so that others would know that He was approachable and that He understood what they were going through. We then must not think of ourselves as higher than others or we will inevitably drive people away. 

We should know nothing except that Jesus was crucified for our sins and was resurrected on the third day. We shouldn't shove our religion, denomination, or belief structure down any person's throat! When someone tells you your wrong in how you believe and just shoves it down your throat without an open mind, how do you feel? I want to hurt the person, personally. It's one of those "shut up" moments in life. All I can do is plant a mustard seed within someone: a desire to know more and to want to learn. From that, I cannot do anything, it is up to that person and God. When all you or I do is shove a religious thought into someones head that doesn't believe, it just makes them want to run farther. They already have everyone else telling them they're wrong and how to believe, why then should they want to hear it, and except it, from you or me? They don't! When we realize that it is our lifestyles and our words, not just words themselves, that will bring others to Christ, we will become better Christians. 

Who are we to judge in a negative light another person's life? We have a log in our own eyes; thus, we should not point out the thorn in theirs. When you make a negative judgment call against another based on looks or first impression, you are going against the faith that you preach! I have no right to judge others except in a way that is positive. Now, do I have the right to judge how I will interact with a person after knowing their reactions with certain things in life, yes! I have a right to judge how I will make a decision in my own life like who will watch my animals, who I trust, and who I don't. However, we should still give others the benefit of the doubt, wouldn't you want to be judged that way?

Lesson 41 - Love of Money

5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." - Hebrews 13:5

 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. - 1 Timothy 6:10

11 Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. But what we are is known to God, and I hope it is known also to your conscience. 12 We are not commending ourselves to you again but giving you cause to boast about us, so that you may be able to answer those who boast about outward appearance and not about what is in the heart. 13 For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. 14 For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; 15 and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. 16 From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. - 2 Corinthians 5:11-17

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    The love of money is something that is the foundation of America. Capitalism, while not meant to be what it has become, has become a greed infested blood bath. In many ways, our culture is what is described in Shania Twain's song "Ka-Ching." This is depressing as we were a country built on Faith; now we are built on the religion of money. Companies and industries only exist, in the words of Milton Friedman, to increase profits. While Milton Friedman also said to play within the "rules of the game," companies rarely do. These motives have spilled over into the thoughts of the individual, not just the companies. We chose a mate based on money, not love. We decide where to take our families based on money, not safety. We are making our lives about money, not God. Furthermore, where God is absent, there is chaos.

I am not, by any means, pointing fingers. I know that this has been an issue for me. I cannot completely blame the world in which I was brought up in either. I have to take responsibility for my own actions, as should America. I understand that, as the Movie Cabaret says, " Money makes the world go around." Still, it is my own error, my own lack of faith that causes my fear of not having enough when God has always provided.

Many can say that "I like money, I don't love it." My only issue with this statement is that if you think of it all the time, worry about it all the time, or if it destroys your family you love it enough to lose everything else -- even yourself. In many ways, this has been my life. I've always worried about, thought about, and seen what money can do. When you see what the lack of it can do to a family, it makes you think about it all the time; however, I have learned something that is profound: A family should not be destroyed by money if there is love in that family. Love will always prevail, especially if it is the love of money. A family that, even if they loose their home, loves each other will stick together. A family that is built on money, or the fear of money, will surely fall. If all you're in it for is the money, I can bet you you do not love that person, just what they give you. When this is all that is in your heart, God cannot be present with it as "one cannot serve to masters."

I have seen both sides to this story, what a family should really look like and what they are today. In my life, I have thought about, in a spouse, financial stability. This is one reason I wanted to become an Accountant, for the shear fact that I would be financial secure. Now thinking to myself, while I love accounting and I don't want to change it, financial security isn't everything. Homeless people, while not able to do everything they have ever wanted, are more pleased when they get the smallest item or scrap of food. When we give them "chump change" they are truly thankful. If you were hungry in this day and age and someone handed you a quarter, would you be happy? No! You'd be angered deeply. I would be! God knows what is in our hearts, He knows our motives. Our conscience should tell us what He sees. If you don't like what you see, change it. I have to.

Why can't we, as Americans, be content? Why do we always want more? We, like a fire, are never satisfied. Though God didn't warn about Americans and our always wanting more way of life, He did warn about the love of money. I've seen what it can do, I have felt what it can do. I am a product of what it can do. Because of that, loving God is what needs to consume my life. God will never leave you or forsake you like people or money will- remember that!

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"Ka-Ching" - Shania Twain

We live in a greedy little world--
that teaches every little boy and girl
To earn as much as they can possibly--
then turn around and
Spend it foolishly
We've created us a credit card mess
We spend the money that we don't possess
Our religion is to go and blow it all
So it's shoppin' every Sunday at the mall

All we ever want is more
A lot more than we had before
So take me to the nearest store

[Chorus:]
Can you hear it ring
It makes you wanna sing
It's such a beautiful thing--Ka-ching!
Lots of diamond rings
The happiness it brings
You'll live like a king
With lots of money and things

When you're broke go and get a loan
Take out another mortgage on your home
Consolidate so you can afford
To go and spend some more when
you get bored

All we ever want is more
A lot more than we had before
So take me to the nearest store

[Repeat Chorus]

Let's swing
Dig deeper in your pocket
Oh, yeah, ha
Come on I know you've got it
Dig deeper in your wallet
Oh

All we ever want is more
A lot more than we had before
So take me to the nearest store

[Repeat Chorus]

Can you hear it ring
It makes you wanna sing
You'll live like a king
With lots of money and things
Ka-ching!

Temptation and Sin

Temptation is surrounding us; what will you do with it. If it is you against temptation, you will lose. If it is me against temptation, I will lose. No matter how far we run from, keep away from, or pass by our temptations, they will come back! Jesus himself was tempted in the desert; thus,  you cannot say that you will not be tempted. However, you must run to God to get through the temptation without sinning. Being tempted does not mean, by default, that you have sinned. When you are tempted, when I am tempted, thoughts can race through our minds. It is what we do with those thoughts, those desires, that drive that can make or break us.

When I am faced with temptation, alone I will fall. When I run to no where, I will fall. When I try to ignore it I, again, will fall. No matter what I do, if I do it alone, I will fall. When I put God into the equation, anything is possible. I can overcome the temptation, I can set my mind free, I can be at peace! But this isn't what I've always done. I, being human, have sinned. I have given into temptation many times as I'm sure you have too. I have places other things as a higher priority than God in my life. Studies, school, work, guys, money, friends, and family have all been more of a priority than God at some point in my life. One cannot serve two masters, I have to make my priority God and everything will fall into place.

Being tempted, as I said above, is not sin; it can, however, cause one to sin. When we live a life without God, we are tempted feverishly. When we live a life with God, we are tempted even more. God never said it would be easy!

I used to say that "God will only give the burden you can bear;" I was incorrect. Life will always put on you more than you alone can handle, that way God is a necessity in your life. If you could handle it all on your own, you wouldn't feel you needed God. Life sucks because we need to know Him. Even when we do, it doesn't mean that it will all get easier, it means that it will get harder. In Mathew, Mark, and Luke it talks about being persecuted because of God's name; it also says that if you stand with Him you He will not deny you. If I believe as I say that I do, I will have more hardships. If you are looking for an easy way out, then that's not what God promises. It isn't about ease of life, it is about knowing where you will go after your body dies.

Temptation only reminds us of how weak we are without God in our lives. Will there be temptation, yes. Can you conquer it alone, no. Will you sin if left alone, yes. Can you conquer it with God, yes! Will you sin if you are running (not walking or strolling) toward God, no -unless of course you are only saying you are.

I fail at this in life, as do most people. Temptation is hard mountain to get over!

Lesson 39 - Love Once Again

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast;  it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoings, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8)

Once again, I return to love. So many things can happen in life to make one feel like love doesn't exist; I know I have felt that many times in my past. This cannot happen, no one acts like this! I know that there is times in my past that I have thought that I had found love, but I obviously hadn't; it ended. Previously, when I spoke of love in my blog in February, I just stated what it was and that I had never really felt it before. What I didn't do was state what it means to act like that or to find it. I also didn't go into much other detail. Because of this, I will do it now. I feel that, to really understand love (an impossible task without God), it must not be rationalized, but rather felt.

Is Patient and Kind - When I was a child, I was a patient and kind individual. As time progressed, I became more impatient and less kind. With every "love" I thought I had, I realized that patients was never involved. It was alway "right now." It was never about kindness, it was about what the other could get, what I could get. Love is patient and kind; that means that every time I get impatient with my parent I wasn't showing them love, I wasn't being kind. They have always been patient with me, why did I treat them that way? Disregarding rationalizations, I was not showing love to my parents; I was dishonoring them and God.

Does Not Envy and Boast - If love doesn't envy and doesn't boast, then I'm really bad at this. I am competitive; thus, I envy. I am competitive; thus, I boast. I'm all around bad at this, if I am competitive with my family and friends, how can I ever find love that is truly love? I was competitive with my parents - that isn't good at all. I couldn't even show true love to my family.

Is Not Arrogant or Rude - This one I think that I have a handle on; still, lets discuss it. Arrogance and rudeness, two things that most everyone stays away from as they cannot stand people that are such. To be arrogant, to feel you are better than everyone else would cause someone to be rude to others. Because of that, I can see why the Bible put them together. When arrogance steps into your life, you put yourself first and God last. To be rude is to not be kind.

Does Not Insist on Its Own Way -In many ways, this relates to being arrogant and rude; however, it means that you should be willing to give up everything for it. Your way wouldn't be to give everything up that you possess, so that is what you might have to do. It should never be all about you; if it is, it isn't love.

Not Irritable or Resentful - With the exception of "the time of the month" or pregnant woman, the irritable thing should be upheld. However, the resentful thing should always be upheld. I've noticed in life that when someone has to change to be with you, or if they change because that is what they think you want, that is when people start to resent others and become irritable with them. When one isn't patient, one becomes irritable. Thus, one should be patient with others, something we already know, and one shouldn't force others to change, goes along with not insisting on your way too. Even if you don't force change, someone can resent the other for changing them. For instance, if you change for fear of losing them, if you change for fear of anything, it will cause resentment. This is just something that I have noticed, and something I have been on both sides of.

Rejoices in The Truth - No lie, even a white lie, is rejoiced in love. If I look fat in this dress, TELL ME!!! If you tell a white lie to "not get yelled at" and then someone else tells me I look fat, I would be upset with you for not telling me the truth. So, while you might get scorned woman will appreciate it later. In other ways, always tell the truth, even when you fear the consequences. Something my mother always told me was "if you tell me the truth it doesn't guarantee that you won't be punished, it just means that it will be less punishment than if I found that you lied about it." This is a very good thought to live by, so go Mom! When one lies to others, even once, trust is lost. When trust is lost, even a little bit, you won't get it back. Even if you live by the "forgive and forget" model, God didn't let us forget our past, our wrongs are still in our mind to remind us we need Him. Because of this, the wrongs done, though we shouldn't through them in our loved ones faces, will always be there. 

Bears all Things -This is a "just in case you fail at everything above" thought. Forgive always. It will go through any hurt, any torment, and pain. If it is true love, it will happen.

Believes all Things -If you always tell the truth, easily done!!! If you lie, then this is saying that you believe that they will not lie again. This is, in many ways, against human nature, but it what would need to happen to keep the love alive. Then again, if it dies, it really isn't love now is it?

Hopes all Things -Always strive for the best with the one you love. You can hope for the best in all that you do, you can help each other achieve the best.

Endures all Things -Like I said above, love endures all the pain, the torment, the drama. It stays true and will remain when times are hard, even when they seem impossible. God should always be the most important things in love, when He is your number one, anything can be endured.

Never Ends -With every relationship in your past that failed, that you said to yourself " this is love", you were wrong. Many people say that "they never forget their first love," when really, you never forget your first lust, your first hurt, your first kiss, your first happy feeling. That is what you don't forget, but if you really loved your "first love" you'd still be with them. Just sayin'. After its over, many try to go back, they aren't going back to love, they are going back to comfort. Thus, the love you thought you had wasn't there. I think I might get attacked for this, but you can only truly, truly love when it doesn't die.

Lesson 38 - Prejudices, Vices, Sin and Time

"We have a strange illusion that mere time cancels sin. But mere time does nothing either to the fact or to the guilt of a sin." - C.S Lewis

“Have no fear of robbers or murderers. They are external dangers, petty dangers. We should fear ourselves. Prejudices are the real robbers; vices the real murders. The great dangers are within us. Why worry about what threatens our heads or purses? Let us think instead of what threatens our souls.” - Victor Hugo

Prejudices, Vices, Sin and Time

The quotes above really hit home for me. I have so many worries and fears about my surroundings, past, and future that I reluctantly think of the wrong inside of me. I have prejudices, I have vices, I have thought that if a secret stays a secret long enough that it will go away. They have all come back to bite me, hard. 

Prejudices - 

The Bible says "judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment" (John 7:24). We are not to judge when we have insufficient or superficial information, when it is based on a personal opinion, on the basis of appearance, based on something that we have done, we cannot neglect mercy. Appearances can be deceptive, "some men's sins are clearly evident, preceding them to judgment, but those of some men follow later. Likewise, the good works of some are clearly evident, and those that are otherwise cannot be hidden" (1 Timothy 5:24,25). I judge, a lot. As Christians, we are told we shouldn't judge; however, that is all we are taught to do. This person isn't right because they don't believe, they're gay, they're a Democrat, they're Republican, they're white, they're black, they're Hispanic,they're Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, etc. All we know to do is to judge. We should judge in a light that is giving the other party the benefit of the doubt! We shouldn't judge when we don't have all the facts. We really shouldn't judge when we ourselves have been in that situation. This is the hardest for me. Because I have lived through something, or I hated myself for that action, I decide that they are wrong for that action. Who am I to judge them for something that I did and didn't like. They will judge themselves, God will judge them. The more I think of my own actions, the more that I realize that I cannot judge someone unless it is in the best possible light. 

Vices -

We all have our extreme behavior. Aristotle gave many examples of vices and virtues. He said that with every character trait, there were extremes (vices) and the mean (virtue). We have to work very hard constantly to attain the virtue in our lives; however, we all have our vices. We can be rash or a coward, we can be self-indulgent or insensible, we can be boastful or understate everything, be can have envy or spiteful, we can be shy or shameless. We are rarely have courage, temperance, patience, proper ambition, truthfulness, modesty, or righteous indignation. We are all one extreme or the other. These extremes will kill us; these extremes will consume our soul. 

Sin and Time- 

I always try to forget my sin after I ask for forgiveness. Me trying doesn't mean I succeed. Just because time elapses doesn't mean that the sin is a okay; it doesn't mean that I can continue in a lie. Like C.S Lewis says, guilt doesn't go away with time. A sin, or a lie, will haunt you until you come clean. It will haunt you even then. It is better to never lie and sin, but we all have fallen short of the glory of God. We are all screw ups; thus, the reason that we are equal.  I know that I mess up, I know that time can't make it go away; however, I want to believe that it will. This isn't what life is about (waiting for the wrong we do to pass), it is about fixing it, becoming more virtuous, and having a relationship with God.

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"I Run To You" - Lady Antebellum

I run from hate
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run too late
I run my life
Or is it running me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems
When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you

[Chorus]
This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you
I run to you baby
And when it all starts coming undone
Baby you're the only one I run to
I run to you

We run on fumes
Your life and mine
Like the sands of time
Slippin' right on through
And our love's the only truth
That's why I run to you

[Repeat Chorus]

[Repeat Chorus]

Lesson 37 - Tourniquet

Definition of Tourniquet-

A device used to control bleeding, consisting of a constricting band applied tightly around a limb above the wound. It should only be used if the bleeding in life-threatening and can not be controlled by other means.

Psalm 69:29 - I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me.

2 Samuel 22:3 - My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior-- from violent men you save me.

Definition of SALVATION

1  a : deliverance from the power and effects of sin b : the agent or means that effects salvation c : Christian Science : the realization of the supremacy of infinite Mind over all bringing with it the destruction of the illusion of sin, sickness, and death

2 :  liberation from ignorance or illusion

3 a :  preservation from destruction or failure b : deliverance from danger or difficulty

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Many Christians today only use God as a tourniquet; they want Him to heal their wounds. In most cases they are in a life-threatening situation where they feel like they have nothing left; they use God as a last resort. When all else fails, believe, right? Wrong.

In the song "Tourniquet" by Evanescence (below), Amy Lee is calling back God as she was "lost for so long."  As I said in the previous post, even the hairs of your head have been counted. God does not stop loving you as a person, He just may not like how you are acting. He does not like when your relationship with Him crumbles.

When everything in life tells you that you have nothing left, God is there. God is/was there for me, He always will be. Many come to Him when they are in a "pickle" then run when they think they have it all figured out. I can remember the last time that I stepped into a church prior to 2009, I was around 8 or 9 years old. I thought that I could "study the Bible on my own and learn what I needed to." Well, I had no drive and no desire to read that long, long book called the Bible. I didn't want to open the pages as I thought I knew all the stories already from Bible school. I was very, very wrong. When I decided in 2009 to start attending church again, I found Paradox. Paradox was more than just a church to me, it was a learning environment, a place without judgment, a place where all were accepted. Nate, the pastor, brought aspect of the Bible to life that I had never dreamed of knowing. He began my thirst for knowledge; a friend of mine reignited a fire within me. During my time at Paradox, I participated for awhile, but then when others stopped going with me, I felt that I couldn't go either. This was the worst mistake of my life. I let others decide my life without them trying to. I wavered in my faith a lot. It wasn't until my friend reignited that fire within me that really got back into my faith. That friend showed me that I still had not cracked open the Bible for myself. I still wasn't strong in my faith. After Paradox closed as Nate moved to Texas, I began attending Apex. Apex is a great church that resembles Paradox. I started this blog, and I did what I said I would do at the age of 9, 11 years ago. I am finally opening the Bible, reading it for myself, and learning.

God, after 11 year, did not forget about me. He brought me closer to Him as He showed me what life without Him was like. Did I pray during those 11 years, yeah. Was it sincere, not as I know it to be now. I wavered in my faith for 11 years. I remained content in my comfortable life of depression and hatred. God was my tourniquet. I still feel the pain that life throws at me, God never promised the pain would go away here on earth, but He makes it bearable. Through a tourniquet, a person will still endure the pain, the agony, the hurt. However, the tourniquet keeps you alive as the life line that is your blood remains. God is that tourniquet when others waver, He will always be there when  you realize you wavered, fell to the way side, or stopped believing. He will not deny those who turn to Him. They only way to be denied by Christ is to deny Him.

One is never too lost to be saved, one's life can always turn around. No matter if you think you have faith or if you know you don't; you can, I can, be saved. Christ died for the ungodly. I know that I am worthy of nothing; however, God puts a worth on us all. He will heal the wounds that we think will never leave; He will fill the void.

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"Tourniquet" - Evanescence

I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
so much more
I lay dying
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?

my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

do you remember me
lost for so long
will you be on the other side
or will you forget me
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved


my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

I want to die!!!

my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

my wounds cry for the grave
my soul cries for deliverance
will I be denied Christ
tourniquet
my suicide

More Than a Sparrow

29 Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. 30 But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. ( Matthew 10: 29-31)

Since I can remember, this passage of scripture has touched me. Yet I always seem to forget its lesson. We find that our worth is what others say we are. I feel like I'm only worth what I can do for others. However, God knows everything about us, even down to how many hairs we have; yet He still loves us. If the sparrows that fly cannot fall without God's consent or knowledge, and we are worth more than many sparrows, then we shall never fall without His knowledge. Moreover, we cannot fall unless we consent to falling. Because of this, we cannot judge our self-worth, or even plain worth, based on others beliefs about us. We cannot keep feeling less than because of our past or our worries for the future. We must know that God knows EVERYTHING about us and He still loves us.  We are worth more to God than His other creations, that is why we are "Very Good" while the rest of creation is "good". Still, we only care what others think, not what God thinks. I only care what others think, I need to focus more on what He thinks of me. 

If we, Christians, stopped worrying about what others thought of us and only worried about what God thought of us, we would be better Christians. More non-Christians would follow based on our footsteps. We would have less dysfunction, we wouldn't worry or dwell on the past. We have worth; we are worth more than anything else to the God of all Creation. If that's the case, even the person who seems worthless has a worth. Never let anyone take away your self worth! When you feel worthless, you are out of focus and not working in the plan that God has for you. God will catch you when you're falling. Maybe not when you want Him to, but He will in His time.

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As a side note, the new background is actually the picture below, you just cannot see the bottom of it.

Clingman's Dome - Great Smokey Mountains

Lesson 35 - The Past and Dysfunction

Our past is who we say we are. We say that if you don't know my past you don't know who I am. I say that... 

In every life, there is a past. In every past there is dysfunction, hurt, pain, turmoil,  and regret. I have that past. There was good times and bad times; wrong and right decisions. Nevertheless, I stand here today, constantly reminded of that past. I constantly blame my current actions on my past. I constantly bring up the wrongs done, the pain felt, the regrets I have. My past was both good and bad, but I wouldn't change it for the world. It has made me who I am, though I'm not so sure that it made the greatest person. My past does not define me, my current actions do. If I let the past creep into my life on a continuum, then I'm defined by that which I was. I don't want to be defined by what I was. I want to grow out of those things, even when I'm reminded of those things.

Things have happened in my life for a reason. Things will continue to happen for a reason. Things will play out the way that they should, no matter if I continue to grasp my nonexistent control over my life. Who am I to say what I want? I don't know what I want, I know what I can rationally think that I want. As Mark Twain said, "Its what we know for sure that just ain't so." I can know for sure that I think I want this, this, and that; do I really? How many times have you had a list of things that you wanted to see in another person, saw those things and thought that it won't work? How many times have you said "this could never work" and it does. How many times have you said "I will NEVER do that" and you do it? I don't know what I want, I just know what I think I want. I know that I can interpret my past in a million ways. I can psychoanalysis it until it boils down to nothing. I can also learn to live in the moment; to live chasing after God. To not lay in bed as night wishing I had done this or that differently.

To get out of the dysfunction that is in our lives, we must chase after God. To get rid of my past, I must chase after God. Because I still cling to the past, I am not focusing on God. This is why there is still confusion, turmoil, and double-mindedness in my life. When I focus on God, running full speed ahead, this is when my worries, fears, and dysfunction will leave my life.

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With that said, I will direct you to the video below. This is the church that I will be attending when I move to Tennessee. Feel free to listen, feel free to be freed.

No Fun in Joe's Dysfunction from OneLife Church on Vimeo.

onelifeknox.com

Lesson 34 - Double Minded

In life we all make decisions. In life we are all given tests. In life we can decide if we learn from our tests. 

Double-minded - to be indecisive; uncertainty

James 1:8 - A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. 

James 4:8 - Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded. 

nigh- to draw closer; near in place, time, or relationship. 

Ways That We Can Be Double Minded In Relation To God:

1. Praying with doubt
2. Hearing without doing
3. Biased Fellowship
4. Selective Obedience
5. To acknowledge God with your lips, but deny Him with your actions 
6. Not being sincere
7. Asking for one thing, but meaning another
8. Hypocrisy
9. Restless in one's thoughts
10. Confusion in one's mind

I can tell you right now that I'm very double minded. I have known this for a very long time, but I didn't realize that there was a verse in the Bible about it directly; I did know it was inferred in many verses though. It is easy to refute that which we don't want to do. When I "know" what I want to do and ask for advise, I'm just wasting others breath. I can't tell you how many times that I'm double minded in a day; I can't tell you how many times I was such today! I'm confused as to what to do, but I know what I want to do. I want to do something, but I don't know how to do it, so I'll wait it out. I say "Blah, Blah, Blah" then I say "No I really mean Bleh, Bleh, Bleh" but I really mean "Blah, Blah, Blah." When I notice that things are hurting another, I change my words to make them hurt less. I change what my actual view is, in words, to make a justification about why I am saying something and how I said it wrong. Its a flat out lie!!!! I meant what I said when I said it! Even if it was rash, rude, or out of anger it is how I felt. I choose when it is convenient to be up front and honest with how I'm saying something. I choose when it is convenient to honestly follow God. I recognize that I'm better about this than I was, but it still happens. I know what I have written in the 30 lessons, but I catch myself doing them only when it is convenient for me to do it.

A lesson is presented to someone. If they take the wrong road, they will "learn a lesson." Thing is, that "lesson" will come back again. It will continue to come back until you make the right choice, then it will come back again to see if you really get it. If you make the right choice the first time, it will come back to make sure it wasn't just a "lucky guess." I have a lesson before me. I've lived this lesson many times. I always, always mess it up. After it happens, I always say "well I should have seen that one coming." I see the dangers; I know them well. I still choose the wrong path; God always gets me out. 

I wasn't going to do a lesson tonight, I just felt led to open the Bible and flip through James; I did. I found the above passages. This was a big problem for me today; God knows this. He put this on my heart so that I could really understand what I'm doing; so that I could stop the cycle. I want to stop this never ending cycle. 

As Yoda says, "Try not, do or do not; there is no try." I will either do it, or not. I will either get it right, or I won't. My mind, as a child, was black and white; now its gray. I see the right and the wrong in everything. I will stop this "gray" and get back to white. Pray for me, I need it. 

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"The Alter And The Door" - Casting Crowns

Careless, I am reckless

I'm a wrong-way-travelin'-slowly-unraveling shell of a man

Burnt out, I'm so numb now

That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart

(Pre-Chorus)

Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life

Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I...

(Chorus)

Cry, like so many times before

But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord

I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through

Between the altar and the door

Here at the altar, oh my world so black and white

How could I ever falter

What You've shown me to be right

(Pre-Chorus)

(Chorus)

I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard

Just let You be who You are

Lord, who You are in me

Jesus, I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard

Just let You be who You are

Lord, who You are in me

Oh Lord, I

(Chorus)

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"Somewhere In The Middle" - Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold

Somewhere between the new and the old

Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be

Somewhere in the middle you'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right

Somewhere between the darkness and the light

Somewhere between who I was and who you're making me

Somewhere in the middle you'll find me

Just how close can I get Lord to my surrender

Without losing all control

Fearless warriors in the picket fence

Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense

Deep water faith in the shallow end

We are caught in the middle

With eyes wide open to the differences

The God we want and the God who is

But will we trade our dreams for his

Or are we caught in the middle

Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands

Somewhere between my faith and my plans

Somewhere between the safety of the boat on the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar

Somewhere between the altar and the door

Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more

Somewhere in the middle you'll find me

Just how close can I get Lord to my surrender

Without losing all control

Fearless warriors in the picket fence

Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense

Deep water faith in the shallow end

We are caught in the middle

With eyes wide open to the differences

The God we want and the God who is

But will we trade our dreams for his

Or are we caught in the middle

Fearless warriors in the picket fence

Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense

Deep water faith in the shallow end

We are caught in the middle

Lord I feel you in this place

And I know you're by my side

Loving me all even on these nights

When I'm caught in the middle

Caught in the middle

Foundation

What is my foundation? In which kingdom do I live? With whom do I find peace?

I know that as I go through life, changes will be made. I understand that I will change from day-to-day. I see the changes that are going on in my life, and I feel the changes taking place. While changes are being made, something has to remain constant; remain a foundation; remain a cornerstone. Today at church, I thought that while I'm changing for the better, am I making those changes my foundation? Have I completely and utterly destroyed who I was to become a better me? I know that God has given my the ability to destroy who I was, He is making things happen that I didn't feel like I had strength to do alone. I understand what it takes to destroy yourself and become a new. Am I implementing it is the question. To know something, to understand something, doesn't mean that you are implementing it. So how do I implement the changes that I see into being my foundation?

God will destroy every room in my "house", He will take out the concrete floor of my basement and pour one anew. This new foundation should be completely different than what I was, completely! I was distrusting, manipulative, controlling, judgmental, and a hypocrite. I should be trusting, accepting, upfront, honest, and give up control to God. I should forever and always put God first. I should go before Him in a path that He has laid out in front of me. He doesn't hide the path that He wants you to go on, so why do we always search for it? It's right there in front of me!!! I must change my actions to reflect a new foundation. A foundation who's cornerstone is God; a foundation built around God. Until I gain that critical foundation, I will not understand the lessons that He has set in front of my eyes. He is changing me, I just need to accept that as my foundation instead of running away from that which scares me. Instead of running, instead of giving in, I need to stand firm.

"O! for a muse of fire, that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention." - William Shakespeare

1 The LORD reigns, let the earth rejoice; let the many coastlands be glad! 2 Clouds and thick darkness are all around him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne. 3 Fire goes before him and burns up his adversaries all around. 4 His lightnings light up the world; the earth sees and trembles. 5 The mountains melt like wax before the LORD, before the Lord of all the earth. 6 The heavens proclaim his righteousness, and all the peoples see his glory. 7 All worshipers of images are put to shame, who make their boast in worthless idols; worship him, all you gods! 8 Zion hears and is glad, and the daughters of Judah rejoice, because of your judgments, O LORD. 9 For you, O LORD, are most high over all the earth; you are exalted far above all gods. 10 O you who love the LORD, hate evil! He preserves the lives of his saints; he delivers them from the hand of the wicked. 11 Light is sown for the righteous, and joy for the upright in heart. 12 Rejoice in the LORD, O you righteous, and give thanks to his holy name! (Psalm 97)

To read this scripture this morning gave me great pleasure, not so say that the other don't of course. The parts emboldened are all about nature, something that my generation lacks knowledge of. We already know that He can calm the waves in stormy weather, or make the waves rough in His anger. However, I never really thought of anything else but a rainbow, rain and wind in relation to Him. 

His lightening lights up the world: He gives us light in the darkest of times. We have the moon, the sun, and the lightening when the moon and sun aren't visible because of clouds. I always thought that lightening was awe inspiring, but I never thought of it as a symbol much like the sun and moon: a light giver. 

The earth sees and trembles: I guess we can call the earthquakes in every region "the earth seeing God". That is pretty cool to think about! Everything happens for a reason; God doesn't let people suffer for no reason. There is a reason that things are happening in the world as they are today, they are happening to lead us to either redemption or damnation. God will protect those that belong to Him! I wouldn't wish the disaster of the world on anyone, ever; yet, I realize that things occur in their due time. 

Still, when the earth sees God, it trembles; when the leaves are bashed about by the wind, they are praising God. When the people of the world don't praise Him, the earth will. Maybe this is another reason for earthquakes... Just sayin'. 

Mountains Melt like Wax: Obviously a volcano, but the words used give me a different view of a volcano. Instead of thinking "yup, magma is coming up and becoming lava on the surface of the earth" I can think of a candle, I like this thought. 

Fire goes before Him: Fire, one thing that is never satisfied. Fire can destroy, heal, melt, harden, cook, clean, sterilize, infect, chaotic, controlled. Fire is a paradox, fire is how God showed Himself on Mt. Zion and what we should have for Him: a fiery passion. Fire is a great asset and a horrible demise. Fire is awesome and He controls it. Think about that, God controls the chaos and the paradoxes of life just as He controls the fire... 

Today and Tomorrow

"13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you." (Philippians 3:13-15)

 “I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.” - William Allen White

God will lead me on whatever path that He shows is best for me. When I feel like my path has hit a road block, when I feel like life can't go anywhere from here, when I don't know where to go from here, God knows. He will show me through every test, every hardship, and every blessing where my life will go from here. I may always be one day, month, or year behind when it comes to knowing what should happen, but He will reveal it to me. To life in the moment and for God is the best way to live. Forgetting what has been behind me, I can focus on God as opposed to the mistakes in my past. Straining toward a future in a relationship with Him will give me a clear objective, purpose, and path. He is forever present, He is with me always. To give it all up to Him is something that will take me learning to not compete (something that this world is full of). I'm not sure how to not be competitive. I have always been so, as I have said before. The only time that I can say that I didn't compete is when I was in preschool and kindergarten when understanding of the word no, sharing, and love came to me like there was no other way to be. I used to be the kid that would say "ok mommy, I know we can't afford that" and drop the subject. I used to be the kid that would offer my things to others, I used to be the kid that would love someone without a second thought for their kindness. When Jesus said we should be like little children to get into heaven, I understand what He meant. When I was a child, I was everything that He wanted me to be. As I grew up in this world, I saw that this wouldn't get me very far. Everyone around me found that this was not longer how we should act, so I changed into what the world wanted. How do you become like a little child and regain that innocence? How do you share when you know that you won't get it back? How do you become that in a world where you would be stepped on, treated like a doormat, and used? If everyone doesn't act like that, it would only kill you to be that way. Is that our cross to bear - to have the innocence of a child knowing that our worldly lives will be ruined because of it? Or is it rather to stand tall in our faith, to show the world that we understand that they lie, cheat, steal, but that it isn't ok? I am just one person, I can not change everything that is wrong in this world. But the body of Christ, the followers of Christ, are many - we can change the world. 

Day 30 - The Final "Live and Learn"

Instead of going through every single lesson for the last "Live and Learn," I have decided that I am going to say what has really changed and what still needs work. Life within the past 30 days has changed; the life that I live has changed. The most prominent way that my life has changed is that I have grown closer to God. If nothing else has come from this journey, I can say that. However, much more has come from this journey. I am gaining more patience with my parents; I am able to not jump ignorantly into assumptions; I talk more about my faith than I did; I take my time and see the world for the beautiful place that it is; I truly see that difference in myself. I find that when I am happy or sad I praise God. I found that I have really never felt love as it was made to be; yet, I also found what love really is. I found that happiness is something that you will gain when you can be free from the guilt that we cause ourselves. We will be even happier when we are open, honest, forgiving, and humble before the people that we love. I've learned that I haven't put as much faith in the goodness of God as I thought I did. I seek the control that I don't have over my life. I found that competition has ruled me; and that I haven't really loved at all. I learned the true conduct of a Christian is not what I have seen in the churches that I have attended throughout my life. I learned that just because you abide by the laws of man, it does not mean that you are right in the laws of God. I learned that I have been living for my "dot" not the line of eternity. I have learned that I have also been among the hypocrites that I so resented. I finally figured out what can really lead to true love, and what it is.

Courage          ->     Honesty 

                             ↓                ↕

Forgiveness -> Freedom -> Love

On the other hand, I still need to work on my prayer life with God. I still need to work on justifying anything unless I'm writing a paper for school. I still have to give up control to Him; I still have to fully let it all go. I still need to work on my flight response, yet recognize that there is a third option (let it pass and trust in God). I still need to work on loving everyone for who they are, not what they do.

While the 30 day journey is complete, the destination is not yet reached. I will continue with the blog as it has been; however, I may not always put a "lesson #" in the title. It may be a poem, it may be nothing but quotes, it may be just thoughts about the world, it could be anything. But the journey that is the lessons of life will still be posted, just with other stuff too. I will still try to update daily as it is now a habit. Reading the Bible is now a habit!!!!

• Today! - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29: 11)
• "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40: 31)
• "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15: 13)
• "What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8: 31)
• "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8: 38-39)
• "9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:9-13)
• "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6)

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"If I Had Never" - Donna Keevers Driver

If I had never seen darkness
would I have recognized the Light?
If I had never been wronged
would I have known what is right?

If I had never been lost
would I have been happy to be found?
If I had never been in the pit
would I appreciate Holy Ground?

If I had never been broken
would I have recognised love?
If I had never been knocked down
would I have ever looked up?

If I had never made mistakes
would I have learned to do what’s right?
If I had never longed for death
would I appreciate my life?

If I had never been bruised by religion
would I have appreciated grace?
If I had never been betrayed by man
Lord, would I have sought Your face?

If I had never been brought to my knees
through sin that is my own
Would I appreciate the love
that Jesus has shown?

And, Father, if I had been protected
from all that sin and man can do,
would I have ever known the beauty and love
that is found solely in You…?

Donna Keevers Driver

Nov 2007