New Blog

To everyone that reads this blog, I have moved to a different blog. It is "Sent, Defined and Humbled" at the web address: ampacella09.blogspot.com

Thank you for all who read this blog and I hope you continue with me on my journey on my new blog!

Known by Its Fruit

Christians, and people in general, are known for what they produce in life. If a person produces contempt and hatred from others, this is what that individual will be known for. In this thought, love is also known by its fruit. One may think they understand love in the eternal sense, but we really only - at least in this world - grasp the concept of erotic love (a term from Soren Kierkegaard). Erotic love is that which the poets explain - friendship and having a beloved (someone that is your everything). However, the Bible says "you shall love your neighbor as yourself." In this, it states that we "shall" love. It is a duty to love your neighbor, or everyone. The only one we should love with all of our heart, soul, mind, and body is God. If this is the case, to show favoritism - a friend or a "love"- is not at all what Love is about. Let me explain.

If someone was drowning, say it was a friend, and you saved this person based on the fact that it was a friend, you would be showing favoritism and not love to everyone. So, if you would not risk your life for someone else but you would a "friend" this isn't love, it is a poetic concept that we feel we need.

In order to love everyone as ourselves, we must love ourselves in the right way. We must not harm ourselves on purpose, we must not do something to ourselves that we would not want someone else to do to us. Then, when we love ourselves the right way and when we care more about others than ourselves, we love others rightly. To love others we must:

Never give up on them,

Care more for them than ourselves,

Not envy

Not strut,

Not have a swelled head,

Not force itself on others,

Isn't "Me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

It takes pleasure in the truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

Never ends.

Lesson 52 - No Fear, No Worry

 

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When you let go, you feel free. Uncertainty no longer matters; He will provide. I am certain that I love God; I am certain that He loves me; I am certain that He will protect, help, and be with me. All other things no longer matter. My worries of what I will eat, drink, wear, have, and need are overcome by the life that God has given me. Money is no longer the master of me; the fear of not having enough is no longer the master of me. My past is no longer the master of my future. The journey will be only to follow Christ and His call. Needs will be met, action and inaction has a purpose. Waiting is a necessary occurrence that will serve a purpose to please God. Everything will come together for God's purpose, not mine.    

When you loose it all, when you have nothing left, that is when you will be set free. 

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Do Not Worry
Matthew 6:25-33–Luke 12:22-31

 

25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Lesson 51 - Letting Go

“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.” -Hermann Hesse

So many times on this blog I have said that I need to give up the control that I do not possess to God. I've said so many times that I know that He will provide and care for me when I do. I have repeated my fears over and over again until I can no longer stand it. I've submersed myself in my fears for 20 years; yet, I never tried to overcome them.

As I look back at everything I've learned since the start of this journey (February), I can't help but think that, although I believed and always will believe in God, He sent me on a journey to show me that I really didn't believe the right way: with my heart. I always tried to have a hold of my heart; I always tried to have control of my mind.

To let go is everything that I have needed to do yet everything I wasn't willing to do. In Mark, I was the rich man that wouldn't give up his possessions (control) to follow Christ. As I walked away with my head held low in shame, God said He loved me. My fears of failure, loss of control, and inadequacy have ruled my life. While they ruled my life, I have done nothing but see those fears come to life. As I lived my life in insanity, by Einstein's definition, I continued to hope for a different result.

Have I had a hard life? No. Have I lived a "wild" life? No. Have I lived a life in which I should be ashamed? No. Have I lived a life of experience? No. Have I taken any risks? No. Have I done anything to make a difference in anyone's life? I'm not sure. I have not lived a life that many would regret, but I have not lived a life that has changed many people for the better either. I have lived in the comfortable, gray area. My family, friends, and life are not what someone might call typical. The stress I feel is not something that a normal 20 year old would feel. The things expected of me are not what is normally expected of a 20 year old either. Still, I have done nothing in my life but excel for me, not for the glory of God. Yes, I praise Him when I succeed because I know that He is the reason that I do, but I do not do it for Him and His will, just my own. Because of this, I am always lacking something. My fear of never measuring up and being good enough is always occurring because I'm not measuring up to what God wants me to do and be.

For this reason, and many more, I'm giving up the control I never had. I am living in the spontaneity that is God. Come whatever may, God will provide. I will follow His command. I will go where He wants me to go. Skepticism for those that are "false prophets" must always exist; however, my conscious, the little voice inside my head, I will listen to. Until now, my voice has told me to be the ultraconservative, "mother hen" figure. God is always talking to me in a whisper, I have to shut up enough to listen to what He has to say in order to know that He doesn't want comfort, He wants me to live for Him and Him alone. I no longer want to be caught in the middle of the world and His Kingdom. I want to hear His whisper; I want to hear His call.

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Faulted

Although I have faulted,
by my side you've stayed.
Never once timid, or fallen away.
Yet in a new struggle,
my fear turns into doubt.
Yet again I've faulted,
my time is running out.

Come, save me, once again.
Save me from this life I've lived.
take all my pain away,
make my faults go far away!

Lord, my sins all laugh at me,
smile and poke fun at me.
They tell me I will never change,
still my hope in You remains.
though I fall from shaky ground,
my faith in You is so renound
that all I can seem to do
is sit hear and speak with you.

Come, save me, once again.
Save me from this life I've lived.
take all my pain away,
make my faults go far away!

Through You my life remains,
because of you, I am saved!
Hear me now, Lord of Lords,
Only You do I praise.
Take away all my sins,
Please forgive the faults I've lived.

Come, save me, once again.
Save me from this life I've lived.
take all my pain away,
make my faults go far away!

Though I have faulted,
by my side you've stayed.
Please, dear God,
don't ever fade away.
Although I cry out, here and now,
I will need You, no matter how.
Still my faith in You remains,
Never will it go away.


- Anna Pacella

          ©

 

Fear

The great god Fear grinned back at me:
"I am the foe men never see,
The hurt they never feel," said he.

"I am the wrong they never bear,
The poison they themselves prepare.
I am the shadow on the stair.

"I have no voice and yet I speak;
No strength and yet I blanch the cheek
And leave the strongest mortals weak.

"I am the blackguard man befriends,
Heeds most, feeds, cherishes, attends
And 'gainst all counsel wise defends.

"I fire no gun, I make no cry,
No lodging place in fact have I,
Yet I'm the countless deaths men die.

"Mine is a humor ghastly grim,
The lamp of reason I can dim,
Though I am nothing but a whim.

"I am man's cruelest, bitterest foe,
Yet past his door I could not go,
Had he the wit to tell me; 'No'."

- Edgar A. Guest (Fear)

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Fear is something that all of us live with. Be it a phobia of crowds, spiders, confined spaces, heights, or any other phobia or normal fear. My fear is failure. Failure for me is not what some may consider failure. To me, failure is not measuring up to some goal; it is not being good enough. 

Many people say that people need to fail at least once in their life to know what success feels like. I have failed in my life. You may just not know how I have. Everyday I fail, I don't measure up the the standards and the goals that I set for myself. I never know enough, understand enough, love enough, provide enough, help enough, give enough, etc. To fear failure in the way that I do, it makes taking "risks" impossible. To go on a leap of faith is simply not rational enough to risk failure. While God has a plan for me, I still have yet to give Him complete control. I can say it as much as I want to, but my fear of failure make me desire the control that I never had in my life. 

Fearing something in general is one of the worst feelings; someone saying "the only thing to fear is fear itself" normally makes things worse. I am well aware that, my fear of failure in day-to-day tasks can hinder everything I do in life, especially what I can do to expand God's kingdom.

I have posted about "Fear" many times on this blog; yet, I can't seem to get over mine. What is a way to let go; how does one let go? How does one do it, and really mean it? To stop my fear would change my life and change me as a person. I would no longer be the "mother hen" that I am. What would I become if I let go? Who would I become if I gave up control? Just as I had said in a very recent blog, every question I ask is showing the lack of trust I have in the scriptures written below. Fear should be nothing in my life; yet, I'm surrounded by fear. In 2006, I talked on this blog about "My Darkness" in a poem I wrote. In many ways, I have found the light in my darkness. In other ways, I'm still surrounded, trying to break free of the chains that I put on myself long ago. To be perfect is impossible - unless you're God-- so to try to be is insanity. Insanity, in Einstein's view, was to do something over and over again and to expect a different result. I, then, am going through insanity.

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12 I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. - John 14: 12

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11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. - Jeremiah 29: 11-13 

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"Fear" - Casting Crowns

Oh,what I would do
To have the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win,
you'll never win."

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the stone was just the right size
to take the giant down
And the waves don't seem so high
when I'm standing on top of them looking down
And I'd soar with the wings of eagles
if I could just ignore the sound
Of the waves and the giants,
the waves and the giants in my mind

Lord, you've not given me a spirit of fear
But of power and of love,
and of a sound mind
So from now on,
I won't let the tempter's lies
turn my eyes away from the prize

That you have set before me.

That you have set before me.
 

Prisoner at the Bar

Prisoner at the Bar

And the judge said: "What! no money to pay
In your hour of need
A lawyer to plead
Your case to-day?
And you come to the bar
Just as you are,
Poor and alone, with no friends to nudge
The solemn sides of the powerful judge
And ask as a personal favor that you
Be spared the punishment justly due?
Well, be not afraid!
Let be case be laid
Here before me. Though poor you are
And alone you must stand at the judgment bar
With the best and the worst of you known, my son,
I'll forgive you most of the wrong you've done."

If these lines you've read
You may think them odd,
But the man was dead
And the judge was God.

 - Edgar A. Guest

---------------------------------

This poem is a great poem that all should remember in their life. 

First things first, money will not buy your way into heaven, nor will a lawyer be able to lie for you about what you have done in your past and present. Second, you will be judged as you are when you die, not how you were at your best moment in life. Third, no one will stand in judgment with us! Your friend, mother, father, lover, sister, or brother cannot save you from your fate. Forth, we deserve nothing; we deserve death. However, God will spare us our just punishment and instead give us the opposite; He will give us grace. Fifth, EVERYTHING will be known about our past. Everything you or I were to ashamed to tell another human being, God will know. Sixth, no matter what happens, He will forgive you of the wrongs that  you have done if you ask for Him too. Finally, God is our ultimately judge so do not worry what others think of you - as hard as that might be.

No matter where we are in life, God has a plan for us. It might be to be in heaven with Him tomorrow, or it could be to spread His word until we are 100 years old. Whatever it is, God has a plan and He makes it happen for a reason that we may not understand now, but we might be able to in time.

Simplicity

Simplicity is something that everyone says they want in life. They don't want the drama, the heart ache, the turmoil. They want a simple life that is free of all the aforementioned negative things. However, we fear simplicity; I fear simplicity. I over think everything! If I don't over think it, I feel like I'm missing something. Simplicity is something that Albert Einstein wanted and discussed many times. Still, I over think everything, I don't give the benefit of the doubt because my mind will tell me I'm wrong; there has to be something more. I am like the Pharisees in John 9 when they continued to question the blind man who just knew his story. I question and question, but the answers are never enough. I still want to know more; I still don't believe what others say.

The simplicity I want in my life will only come about when I de-clutter my life from the drama and turmoil that I put myself in. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent just like no one can make me feel bad about myself unless I let them. I need to not worry about my fears are - failure, being disliked, not knowing, etc.- and truly live to be simple. Simplicity, as long as you don't make it simpler than it is, is the best way to live your life. You wont find the ulterior motives of others that you think they have. You will find that you will live a happier life without the stress, drama, and heart ache that you cause your self due to a distrust of, not others, but of yourself.

Uncertainty

2 Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is.-1 John 3:2

Uncertainty in life is scary, it can make you do things that you didn't really want to do. Uncertainty in life can make you decide not to retire, get married, move away, or fall in love. Uncertainty causes worry and stress and even anxiety and depression in some. Most often times in my life, I feel uncertainty in school work, work, family, friends, and love. Uncertain if I will make the grade, disappoint, or not make the right choice. I'm uncertain if I will make the right choice in who I love, cherish, and adore. All of these things will make you go insane, it is what is making some of my hairs turn gray at 20 years old  and even before that time.

Tomorrow is uncertain, this is a fact. We don't know if we will do all the things on our check list tomorrow or if we will finally get to go on that vacation a month from now. We don't have any right to boast about tomorrow as we don't know what tomorrow will bring forth; however, we do. We go about life, with all this uncertainty, certain that we will have tomorrow to live it out better.

Below are devotions by Oswald Chambers. These really spoke to me as I always say that I'm certain in my faith, but I am stuck in my ways. I do not allow for spontaneity, fun, excitement, happiness, or joy to come from anything because I'm so worried that that is not what is supposed to happen. I always think of the "What if" in life, this is no way to live. I am complex; every move thought out. I will always second guess every action, reaction, and thought. I never can just enjoy myself as thoughts race through my warn out mind.

As these devotions say, when I second guess my actions or motives, I'm not trusting God. Yet, as I second guess my actions, I'm a creature of habit. I do the same thing every day, when I find something that works, I keep doing it. So I second guess my actions, as I'm sure you have read on here, and I do the same thing over and over. This seems that I'm an oxymoron - no surprise there though. Even though I move a lot, I've went to many different schools, and churches, I've never felt stable. Maybe this was a good thing. Still, I keep looking for some consistency in life, I want something to be certain; however, the only thing certain in life is God. All else will waver and fade, but God remains.

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Naturally, we are inclined to be so mathematical and calculating that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We imagine that we have to reach some end, but that is not the nature of spiritual life. The nature of spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty, consequently we do not make our nests anywhere. Common sense says - "Well, supposing I were in that condition . . ." We cannot suppose ourselves in any condition we have never been in. Certainty is the mark of the common-sense life: gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness, it should be rather an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. Immediately we abandon to God, and do the duty that lies nearest, He packs our life with surprises all the time. When we become advocates of a creed, something dies; we do not believe God, we only believe our belief about Him. Jesus said, "Except ye become as little children." Spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, but uncertain of what He is going to do next. If we are only certain in our beliefs, we get dignified and severe and have the ban of finality about our views; but when we are rightly related to God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. "Believe also in Me," said Jesus, not - "Believe certain things about Me." Leave the whole thing to Him, it is gloriously uncertain how He will come in, but He will come. Remain loyal to Him.

http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/hl-devos-mu/~3/z0jEwAmBjIE/utm.cgi
#Bible http://j.mp/k94D7c

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This is the unshakable secret of the Lord to those who trust Him - "I will give thee thy life." What more does a man want than his life  It is the essential thing. "Thy life for a prey" means that wherever you may go, even if it is into hell, you will come out with your life, nothing can harm it. So many of us are caught up in the shows of things, not in the way of property and possessions, but of blessings. All these have to go; but there is something grander that never can go - the life that is "hid with Christ in God." Are you prepared to let God take you into union with Himself, and pay no more attention to what you call the great things  Are you prepared to abandon entirely and let go  The test of abandonment is in refusing to say - "Well, what about this " Beware of suppositions. Immediately you allow - What about this  - it means you have not abandoned, you do not really trust God. Immediately you do abandon, you think no more about what God is going to do. Abandon means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions. If you abandon entirely to God, He says at once, "Thy life will I give thee for a prey." The reason people are tired of life is because God has not given them anything, they have not got their life as a prey. The way to get out of that state is to abandon to God. When you do get through to abandonment to God, you will be the most surprised and delighted creature on earth; God has got you absolutely and has given you your life. If you are not there, it is either because of disobedience or a refusal to be simple enough.
http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/hl-devos-mu/~3/vshpoak6EbI/utm.cgi
#Bible http://j.mp/kuRwlc

1 Corinthians 15

 

1 Corinthians 15 is segmented (by man) into three parts: resurrection of Christ, resurrection of the dead, and the resurrection body.  I'm not entirely sure why, but the following really spoke to me.

45 So it is written: "The first man Adam became a living being"; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit. 46 The spiritual did not come first, but the natural, and after that the spiritual. 47 The first man was of the dust of the earth, the second man from heaven. 48 As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the man from heaven, so also are those who are of heaven. 49 And just as we have borne the likeness of the earthly man, so shall we bear the likeness of the man from heaven. 50 I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. 51 Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed-- 52 in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 53 For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. 54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." 55 "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 58 Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

I already grasped the concept that I would not die and go to meet our Lord with my jeans and a hoody on; however, God's last victory on this earth will be the victory over death and I will no longer be a "human body in the flesh" when I meet God.  


The emboldened scripture (15:56) states that "the sting of death is sin and the power of sin is the law." If the sting of death is sin, it is not death that I fear, but rather the regret that I leave behind me. If my last words to my loved ones were not "I love you" but rather a fight, what would I do with my self. If I died sinning, I cannot repent of that sin and, thus, it may not be forgiven. The second half of this scripture takes me back to the book of Romans as I did not know sin until the law told me it was so. Because of this, the law must be upheld, but sin ( something black and white) becomes gray as we try to find the "loop-holes" in life. 

This passage of scripture puts things into perspective: we have the likeness of two people within us, just as Romans states; however, we cannot enter heaven with our earthly form or mindset. Our sin is the "sting" of death, the thing that will cause it to happen and the knowledge of sin comes from the laws that we are to abide by.

1 Corinthians: Part 1

I have decided that I will be reading the writings of Paul. This is including the books of the Bible that are said to be Paul's but are not clear as to who wrote them. I have already read Romans (Lesson 26); thus, I will be reading the 1 Corinthians. I read the first part (chapter 1-8) tonight. 

As far as a 12:30 am thought process is concerned, I gathered this during my study:

1. We (believers) should all speak the same thing so that there is no divisions among us. We should be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment. (1:10)
2. Faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God. (2:5)
3. We cannot fathom, see, or hear that which God has prepared for those that He loves. (2:9)
4. We are the temple of God and He dwells within us. (3:16-17)
5. The wisdom of the world is foolishness with God. (3:19)
6. Judge nothing before the time, until the Lord come, who both will bring to light the hidden things of darkness, and will make manifest the counsels of the hearts: and then shall every man have praise of God. (4:5)
7. I know nothing by myself (4:4)
8. Them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person. (5:13)
9. All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any. (6:12) -- All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not. (10:23)
10. Every sin, except fornication, is without the body. (6:18)
11. We are bought with a price. (6:20), (7:23)
12. When we are unmarried we can fully commit our time and desires to God as opposed to pleasing our significant other. However, marriage is not bad. (7:32-39)
13. Do not do in front of others that which is their downfall. Do not drink in front of a recovering alcoholic, or eat meat in front of a new vegan. We will cause them to stumble. When we are stumbling blocks to others, we wound their weak conscience and we win against Christ. (8:9-12)

 As a final thought, as it is near 1 am, the things that are emboldened were said twice within the books that I read tonight. The Bible repeats that which is very, very important to remember. All things are lawful for me, but not all of it is something that I should do and  "we are bought with a price" was said twice. We must remember that just because we can do something doesn't mean that we should as it comes with a price; the price of Jesus' blood.

Happy Easter!!!

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"Who Am I?" - Point of Grace

Over time You've healed so much in me,
And I am living proof.
That although my darkest hour had come,
Your light could still shine through.
Though at times it's just enough to cast,
A shadow on the wall.
I am grateful that you've shined your light on me at all. 

CHORUS:

Who Am I,
That you would love me so gently?
Who Am I,
That you would recognize my name?
Who Am I,
That you would speak to me so softly?
Conversation with the Lord most high.
Who Am I? 

Oh Amazing Grace how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost,
But now am found.
Was blind,
But now I see.
And the more I sing that sweet old song,
The more I understand.
That I do not comprehend this
love that's coming from your hand. 

CHORUS 

Grace, grace.
God's grace.
Grace that will pardon, and cleanse within.
Grace, grace.
God's great grace.
Grace that is greater than all my sin. 

CHORUS 

Lord, Who Am I?
Who Am I?
Lord Who Am I?
Who Am I?
Who Am I?

Lesson 43 - Regrets

"Eleven Regrets" - Manic Drive

Put my head up against the wall
I couldn't help but stall
With eleven regrets
One flower
I'm lost and I'm ashamed
Cause all I have to give
Is eleven regrets
One flower

My God what have I become?
A broken man with no second chances
Who am I to say that you're to blame?
I want to be who I say I am
But my actions show that I modestly can't
Have I've turned into what I hate?
And I wonder what You think
When You're staring down at me
Is it time to intervene?

Put my head up against the wall
I couldn't help but stall
With eleven regrets
One flower
I'm lost and I'm ashamed
Cause all I have to give
Is eleven regrets
One flower

I'm lost and I'm ashamed...

Consequences are interesting
When the thorns penetrate
But can't go deep enough to bleed
Oh I wish right now that was the case
What kind of example am I
If I continue this way defiling my life?
What if they knew me like You do?
And I wonder what You think
When You're staring down at me
Is it time to intervene?

And I wonder what You think
When You're staring down at me
Is it time to intervene?
And I wonder what she'll think
When she's staring down at me
Maybe it's time to intervene?

 The verse in this song that is emboldened and underlined is pretty much exactly how I feel with my life. I have so many regrets, something that I shouldn't have. I should have done this for that one person that I pushed away, I should have lived instead of living to die. 

I regret actions in my past. I'm not saying that I regret where I am in life, I just wonder who I could have been had I stuck to what I said I believed in. I have tried my entire life to make everyone else happy all the time. I have worn myself thin and I know that I need the breath that God breathed into me. He will give me that freedom, but am I willing to accept it? Do I forgive myself for the wrong that I've done. It isn't that I have done anything that every other human hasn't done, but that is just it; how am I different? I say that I am reborn in the Spirit. I am just now starting to show it. I then go back to my old ways for fear of losing that control that I know that I don't have that I speak of often. I regret stopping going to church every Sunday just because no one would go with me. No one else will be standing with me at the judgment bar, I and I alone will be responsible for my actions and my reactions. To blame another for my lapse is not the right thing to do. This is my biggest regret. I wasn't who I wanted to be; I'm still not who I want to be.

There are so many things that I could say that I regret, but there is a longer list than I would like to provide to the world. In my blog post "Words to Live By," I posted the poem "Myself" by Edgar A. Guest. I still am hoping that I can say this. I want to get involved more so in the church, I want to get to know the people in the church so going alone doesn't feel like I'm alone. I have always been a person that didn't need others, maybe not staying after and "conversing" has hindered me. I was instilled with the "okay, next thing to do" attitude. I never stop, just stop and think about it all. I never second guessed the life I lived until 3 months ago. 20 years of misunderstanding my purpose, I understand my purpose now. The question now is, will I continue to regret or will I do something to ensure that I don't become what I hate.