Day 25 - Live and Learn ( Lessons Revisited)

Lessons:

1. Forgive and Forget - If you hold anything against anyone when you stand before God to pray, God won't forgive you of your sins. If you forgive others, He will forgive you. I feel like I have forgiven the people that have wronged me. I hope the people I have wronged forgive me. I say, however, that I feel like I have because, while I know that I have forgotten a lot of the wrong done, I still remember the feelings that were left behind. I'm reminded of what I have forgotten long ago. It is brought back up in random conversation and feelings begin again. If I bring up a past situation, I truly haven't forgiven them... Thus, what I thought I was doing great on, I really am not.
2. Happiness and Love - Courage > Honesty > Forgiveness > Freedom > Love... Courage is something that I am still lacking. I don't want to face my inner demons, I am "running". Fight or Flight, I guess I have always been taught that flight was the right answer. Fighting just causes drama and heartache, flight causes regret and hatred. Which is better? Honesty is something that is at the forefront of every conversation and act that I do. But is withholding that which doesn't need to be stated dishonesty. One should think before they speak, it even says that in the Bible. But is not saying what is in your mind and heart dishonesty? Forgiveness - see number 1. Freedom is something that is honestly hard to grasp. I feel like I can really only be free if I stop thinking of what I want: what I want to achieve, do, and say. If I can't stop wanting all of this, I am then ruled by, and never free from, what I feel like I want in life. If I always am hanging onto what I feel like I want, desire, or need am I really free from it all? I think that the only way that I can be free is to not focus on my "dot/point" and remember the line. Remember that this world isn't all about my wants and desires, but rather about God and His relationship with His people. Love is something that I will talk about in numbers 5 and 6, so I will leave it for where it belongs.
3. God and the Doctor - Life is something that can always come up with excuses. I can say that homework was due that had to get done. I could say that life happened; I could say that my mind happened. Nothing is an excuse when God knows your heart. You can't justify anything to the one that knows you better than you know yourself. So if I sit here and say that I haven't lived up to my end of the bargain in this because of something else, its a "justification" that I shouldn't be making. So, I will own up to my downfall and say, " I am not doing what I should be doing, I am making excuses to justify my actions to continue my life the way it was. I am comfortable where I am. Comfort, however, was not every promised by God nor safety nor security. So, Why do I reach for that which is never promised? It is human nature to do so, but that is just a justification that everyone excepts for our downfalls.
4. Walls - I still fear my lack of control. I still worry, I still put up road blocks. I still justify everything to myself to make it ok. I still pray "I want what is in your will, as long as that includes..." or "I want you to show me the way you want me to go, just do it directly, don't beat around the bush. None, of that is ok... I still don't want to give up my imaginary control over nothing. to feel like you have some power or say in your life is how you stay sane, or is it how you drive yourself insane?
5. Love Everyone -"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment . He that feareth is not made perfect in love." - 1 John 4:18. I still fear, as I said above, I guess that means that I'm not made perfect in love. What exactly does that mean, not made perfect in love... Is that some sort of code for "you're not good enough" or "you're not loved"? I don't like that thought, but then again, this life isn't about me.
6. Deeper in Love - Of the 16 things that love "is" or "does", I have only felt 2. Both of those 2 come from my parents. This is kind of depressing. If I have never felt love, how do I know what it looks like when I see it. Love is a "feeling" people say. If all it is is a feeling and there is no action on that love then what is it? LUST! Bull Crap, it isn't just a feeling! It is a feeling mixed with action. To show how you feel!!! Sorry, that is my rant for the day.
7. Job - If God told Satan that he could have his way with me except only to spare my life, would I be strong at all. In the face of a gun, I know that I would say "Yes, I believe." A quick and painless death why wouldn't you want to see Him? But if it was through torture, would you deny Him? Would you hang on the cross and still praise His name? I think about my answer to that; it scares me. To face an end that would be "perfect" (i.e death in sleep, in the arms of the person you love, gun) would be an small price to pay to see His face. But torture, the torture that we put others through everyday, the torture that can cause those who we love to curse our name, I'm not sure what I would do. Would I deny Him three times? I would hope not, but to reflect on that, not just out right answer it, but to really feel the pain that you would experience, what would you do?
8. To See - I can say that I have this one down! I know that God is everywhere. He sees and knows everything. He is in my mistakes to teach me a lesson. He leads me down the "wrong" path to give me the strength and the knowledge that He is and always will be the "right" path. I say wrong in the sense of telling a lie, or dating the wrong guy, NOT as in evil.
9. Justifying A Lie - I think I have said the word "justify" enough so far just to be honest. That should pretty much tell you where I am with this one.
10. Give up Control To Him - The song at the end of this post is for this day.
11. Faith - Yet again with giving up control to God. Giving Him back what He gave you. A lot of my lessons come together in the end.
12. Alone - I'm not doing very well at being alone. A lot of people come into your life at a time when you feel like you should be alone. This is one of two things: God telling me not to be alone, or God testing me to ensure I'm on the right track... Ah the paradox's in my life and mind.
13. Knock - I keep asking for things I want and need not just things that I need. I seek those things, whichever they are, but it doesn't mean that I'll get it my time. I will only get what He wants to give me in His time.
14. Plans - I'm preparing in a way that you could just call it planing. I will say this, I don't have every second planned anymore. I'm more up for spontaneous calls and happenings than something that is planned for three weeks from now.
15. Who Am I - I still see what I have about myself in others. Do you realize how hard it is to ignore others and focus on yourself in the aspect of finding what you do or don't like. I can say I don't like this or that about you but it all comes back to me. Judgment calls come from a justification that it is right to judge. Again with justification.
16. Temple - I still hate stupidity, but I am trying to remind myself to be a better person that I would want to know. I don't want to not want to be around me. Nevertheless, my body being a temple is something that I'm definitely still grasping (especially with food).
17. The Gospel of John and Proverbs -Wisdom is , at the beginning, the fear of God. The fear of God is to hate evil, pride, arrogance, the "evil way," and a froward mouth. To trust in His goodness, that He not only will be there in the good, but that the bad comes for the goodness of something also. So, do I hate all of those things? Yup. Do I do any of those things, probably more than I realize. Do I recognize that God is in everything, good and bad? Yup. I guess I'm half way there.
18. Sent, Defined, & Humbled - I realize the sent and defined, but I need to remember that when a compliment comes to me, it isn't my compliment but God's. When I do something good, it is only by the grace of God that I was able to do that; it was not something that I did, but God.
19. Run - As I said above, I still run  when being forthcoming is "hard". So, I guess that "running" is the only thing I know. This is something that only I can fix about myself.
20. Live and Learn - This was more of a synopsis, not a lesson.
21. Noble Woman - I still feel like I'm always half of everything. Half wise, half noble, half love, half way there. There is no middle ground, but there is. I want to be this woman, but most of the things on the list of a noble woman has to do with a family. I don't have a "family" with kids. I have parents, that is all I have, so I can't do most of this as I sit.
22. Words to Live By - To be kind anyway, to live as if you want to know yourself, to be a friend without expecting anything in return. This is something to strive for in life. I'm still striving.
23. Time - As I stated above, I feel like I'm still living for the "dot/point" and not the line. I must focus on the line, the life that isn't mine.
24. Weakness and Strength - Strongest when you feel your weakest. God can and will bring you through anything. I just have to trust it all to Him.
25. Live and Learn (Lessons Revisited) - The following song, as stated above, will show my feeling of letting it all go.

"Waiting For The End" - Linkin Park

[Mike:]
This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

[Chester:]
Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

[Mike:]
What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

[Chester(till end):]
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got

[Mike:]
This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it let it all disappear