Lesson 6 - Deeper in Love

Love. So many people have different definitions of this word. Some people say it to their friends in a "love ya" sort of way. This only means, in my opinion, "thanks for doing whatever you just did for me that made me better." In other forms, "I love you," we feel there is more meaning behind. This is why when men tell women "love you" or "love ya" they get upset. They want to here the I in front of love that gives it more meaning to us and the world that we live in. However, as I said last time. We can't love God until we love everyone and we can't really love everyone without knowing God... interesting isn't it. I shared 2 and 3 John last time, but I'm going to share the scripture which everyone knows about love. 1Corinthians 13.

3 And if I bestow all my goods to feed [the poor], and if I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profiteth me nothing. 4 Love suffereth long, [and] is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not its own, is not provoked, taketh not account of evil; 6 rejoiceth not in unrighteousness, but rejoiceth with the truth; 7 beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8 Love never faileth: but whether [there be] prophecies, they shall be done away; whether [there be]tongues, they shall cease; whether [there be] knowledge, it shall be done away. 9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part; 10 but when that which is perfect is come, that which is in part shall be done away. 11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child: now that I am become a man, I have put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know fully even as also I was fully known. 13 But now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love.

1. Love never gives up,
2. cares more for others than for self,
3. doesn't want what it doesn't have,
4. doesn't strut,
5. doesn't have a swelled head,
6. doesn't force itself on others,
7. isn't always "me first,"
8. doesn't fly off the handle,
9. doesn't keep score,
10. doesn't revel when others grovel,
11. takes pleasure in the truth,
12. puts up with anything,
13. trusts God always,
14. always looks for the best,
15. never looks back,
16. it never dies.

Because of all these things that love does/doesn't do or is/isn't, I wonder if I could feel this for everyone as God wants us to do. I'm sorry, but I know that in this world, if you don't think me first, you won't have a job. If you don't want what you don't have, the economy would crash. If it puts up with anything, then people who are beat should just "take it like a man." I'm not sure that I'm ok with that last one especially! I would love to be able to think the best in people as we should judge others with the scales in their favor, but to think that I would have to believe everything that someone says, in this day in age, is freakin crazy. So many people lie; I lie! If I can lie, why should I trust anyone else not to? I understand that I should not lie, and I am going to try not to anymore; however, I will stumble, this I must acknowledge. So, I will try to do all of these things, I really will. But this in and of itself is going to take some time. This is the biggest lesson to learn. When I can love myself I can love others, when I can love others I can love God in the way that he states in 2 and 3 John. I must keep this in mind. I must remember these things.

Day 5 - Live and Learn

So, withing the past 4 days I have "learned" a lot; however, can I apply it? This is the question. Because of this question, every 5th day/lesson will be a Live and Learn post. This is just stating if I have applied what I have learned.

Lesson 1- Forgive & Forget

I'm trying very hard to forget the past, my mistakes, and the mistakes of others because they are, of course, mistakes. While I forgave them long ago, I've not necessarily forgiven myself.


***Lesson 2 - Happiness & Love***

I'm definitly being more up front and honest, even when people don't want to hear it, which isn't necessarily a good thing. As I said before, I'm trying very hard to forget and this will still lead to the freedom which everyone craves. Thus, love is still something that I'm working on.

Today, I started reading 2nd John, a very small book of the Bible. In it was one verse that caught my eye.

5 And now I beseech thee, lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another. 6 And this is love, that we walk after his commandments. This is the commandment, That, as ye have heard from the beginning, ye should walk in it. - 2 John
1:5-6

I then looked at the center of the page, my Bible has references, and it led me to 1John 3:11. After looking at 1John 3:11 - 4:21, I feel like I understand love a little better.

These are a few verses that grabbed my attention and made me think.

• But whoso hath this world's good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him? (3:17)
• Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. (4:7)
• Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. (4:10)
• 17 Herein is our love made perfect , that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is , so are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment . He that feareth is not made perfect in love. 19 We love him, because he first loved us. 20 If a man say , I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen , how can he love God whom he hath not seen ? (4:17-20)

Thus, when I say that I don't like or love someone, I'm actually saying that I don't know love, so, I can't know God. That's a very scary thought!!!!

Lesson 3 - God and the Doctor

This lesson really hit me hard. I have definitly been trying my hardest at this lesson because I feel that once this one comes, the others will fall into place.

Lesson 4 - Walls

While I stated that we really don't have "walls" per say, it is still hard to let down the guard/ illusion of control that I have built. I will continue working on this as I want to have complete faith in God.

Odi et amo: quare id faciam, fortasse requiris. Nescio, sed fieri sentio
et excrutior. - Catullus

I hate and I love: why I do so you may well ask. I do not know, but I feel it
happen and am in agony. - Catullus (The above, but in English)

Lesson 4 - Walls

"Walls" are barriers meant to keep people in, out, or safe from what they fear. Everyone has walls that they put up. Some people put up wall just to see who cares enough to break them down, others put up walls so that others can't see the pain they are going through; still, others put up walls to keep themselves away from what they fear. Countries, throughout history, have put up walls. Germany put up a wall not only to keep the west out of the east, but also to keep East Germany in, the Great Wall of China was built to keep others out of China, the wall of Jericho was built to keep enemies out, etc. So if both people and countries put up walls, they must have a great purpose. God told many people in the Bible to build a wall, just as He told many people to knock them down. For instance, God told Joshua

See, I have given into thine hand Jericho, and the king thereof, and the mighty men of valour. And ye shall compas the city, all ye men of war, and go round about the city once. Thus shalt thou do six days. And seven priests shall bear before the ark seven trumpets of rams' horns:and the seventh day ye shall compass the city seven times, and the priests shall blow with the trumpets. And it shall come to pass, that when they make a long blast with the ram's horn, and when ye hear the sound of the trumpet, all the people shall shout with a great shout; and the wall of the city shall fall down flat, and the people shall ascend up every man straight before him. - Joshua 6:2-5

This is what the KJV states; however, in the Archeaological Bible, which is KJV, adds an article which states:

Jericho's mud brick walls crumpled in a heap at the base of the retaining wall (6:20). Archaeologists suggest that an earthquake took place and that the fallen bricks formed a ramp by which the Israelites surmounted the retaining wall. (Archaeological Bible, 319)

Hebrews 11:30 states that: "By faith the walls of Jericho fell down, after they were compassed about seven days." So this could mean that God caused an earthquake because the people believed in what God had told Joshua and responded to it. Thus, by faith and the power of God, the wall of Jericho came crumpling down.
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How exactly does this correspond to the walls that people and countries build today? Well in regard to countries, it is merely a warning that you cannot keep someone out that wants to be in, you cannot hide from your fears to protect what you feel is yours, just like Boarder Patrol in America always seems to fail at keeping people out that we don't want in. In regards to people, however, some of the same rules apply.

People that put up "walls", put them up for a reason. Some walls are in the form of a facade, some are in the form of shyness, some are in the form of wildness, some are in the form of music; still, they are there for a purpose. They are setting a boundary that they "don't" want crossed, or, in some cases, do want crossed. However, just as the walls that surrounded Berlin and Jericho fell, the walls that we put up fall. We put them up and feel alone, but man was not meant to be alone. We are social beings. Being alone can hinder a person, not make them better as sitting in your thoughts can lead to madness. When someone tears down the "walls" that we put up, we feel like someone truly understands and cares for us. However, do we really build "walls" at all? We build obstacles to make it harder to find the real us, we hid behind something so that we can appear to be better than we are, we even, sometime, have a separate personality that everyone sees, even our loved ones. These, while "walls"/obstacles, are not impenetrable. I know that I put up "walls" so that I can see who cares and so no one really sees who/what I am. However, a wall can be, by force, knocked down. So, when we put up a wall, what are we really doing?

We, when we hid from what we fear, hid from who we are, or try to keep out those who want to know the real us, are really being unholy in the sense that holy means clearly visible and that everything is known about that object or person. To be who you are with no "walls" is to be closer to God as you would not be lying to anyone, including yourself. To hid from anything is to fear when the only thing to fear is "fear itself" or "the LORD". So to be scared and put up a wall is to, in essence, want control over the situation/fear. This only shows that we, as humans, truly are "of little faith" for, if we had faith as the Israelites did as they walked around Jericho, we wouldn't have to put up any wall because we would not be scared or worried.


Thus, in conclusion, to put up a wall is to be scared due to a lack of control, to be scared due to a lack of control is to have a lack of faith in God and what he can do. When God puts a wall around you, you are safe from harm. When you put up a wall, you only increase your harm as God cannot help those who think they have it all under control. To give all of your so-called control to God is to have faith in Him. When you have true faith in Him, you will get up and follow Him. You won't be left behind, you will be protected, you will live a freer life.


This, however, is easier said than done.





As a side note, I am not doubting in the slightest that the events that Joshua 6 depict did not happen, I can believe that, because of God's power over nature as he calmed the storm, that he could have induced an earthquake at the moment when these events occurred to make the wall fall.

Lesson 3 - God and the Doctor

God and the doctor we alike adore
But only when in danger, not before;
The danger o'er, both are alike requited,
God is forgotten, and the Doctor slighted.
-John Owen

I have found that, in many ways, most people only go to God when they need help. When I need something, I pray; when I feel like I don't, I don't. It is something that shouldn't occur as I'm not really giving all of my heart, body, and soul to God if this is how I think and act. Psalm 18 is all about calling upon the LORD while in distress. Other chapters are about giving praise, but I always seem to rush to the Psalm that is about helping me, not praising him.

In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry came before Him, even into His ears. - Psalm 18:6

Most of us, including myself, seem to be "when I want to be" Christians, only doing what we are supposed to do when it fits us. Much like that of the Pharaoh in Egypt when he told Moses to tell God that he would let the people leave if God would stop the plagues. Even when God stopped the plagues, as Moses said he would have God do, the Pharaoh still would harden his heart and show that he wasn't true in what he spoke.

I know that I tend to make promises to God when I pray for something I desire, I then tend to break those promises within a day. I know that I'm not perfect and He knows that too, but I need to try harder!


I have always said "don't make someone a priority if you're only their option," would that give God the right to make me an option as opposed to His priority? I think it would. Therefore, to make someone a priority, you must give of your time and of yourself. While I have a busy life with school and work, I always found the time before to do something with someone else. Now that that distractions has gone, I can focus on other things and found that, while time is always a constraint, it is something that I have ample of, God willing. I might not be here for the remainder of this post or shortly thereafter, or I might not wake up tomorrow, or I could live until I'm way to freakin' old to do anything productive. One never knows when they will or won't have any time left, so if I make God my priority instead of my option, my life will be blessed and the things I do will be blessed.

Before I move to Tennessee, I want to ensure that my life is on the right track. I cannot say at this time that I have all the right answers, nor can I say that my life is going in the right direction, all I know is that God has put me on this path to learn and to grow. Thus, I will make the most of the time that God has given me on this Earth as His gift to us is the breathe that we take for granted everyday. The thing that we do without thinking about, but once it is taken from us, we are nothing.

To give God the time that I give doing other things like watching Glee, listening to music, watching movies, or doing extra homework, I could be so far along in my knowledge and understanding of God. I recognize that, as I randomly opened one of my quote books to the short poem at the beginning of this post, while it might have been fate or something else, I do this... I see it from many people, but I do this. I do it with almost everything I do. If I need help, guidance, or medication, I take it or use it until I feel better and then I stop. No harm no fowl, right? Wrong. I get it now...

Lesson 2 - Happiness and Love

“Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.” - H. Jackson Brown Jr.

“The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage.” - Thucydides

Happiness is, as Aristotle says, the meaning and purpose of life and is the whole aim of human existence. Happiness/Pleasure is, as John Stuart Mill says, only thing that we are obligated to increase as a whole. If this is true, what is happiness? If love is wanting the other person's happiness more than your own and the secret of happiness is freedom and courage, wouldn't that mean that being alone and free, or would it mean to be with someone that sets you free and makes you happy as you set them free?

The thought of happiness is confusing, the thought of freedom is something that, in reality, doesn't exist. While America is known for more freedom than anywhere, there are still laws and restrictions that restrict freedom. However, "the truth shall make you free" - John 8:32. Most people in America only know how to lie, and lie well. However, honesty will set you free, the secret of happiness is freedom, the secret to freedom is to have courage, and, to love, you must want the other person to be happy more than yourself. So, you must have courage to love another in such a way that honesty is of the utmost and highest regard. You must be willing to set them free with your honesty and courage. Loving someone is to love them unconditionally, to be willing to die for them as Jesus died for us. He set us free by forgiveness. Thus, forgiveness is freedom for the one you love.


Courage > Honesty > Forgiveness > Freedom > Love

A Lesson A Day...

Today I bought the Archaeological Study Bible. This is a Bible that incorporates Biblical Culture and History to shed light on things that might otherwise be taken out of context or misunderstood. Nate Helm-Anderson, my pastor, told me that this would be an amazing Bible to invest in and, though I have only had it for 2 hours, it has already shed light on some things that I was confused about.

As I sit here reading this Bible and thinking also about the recent posts I have submitted, I had a thought. While I know that no one really reads my blog anymore, I could always have a lesson a day to always remind myself of what I've read and learned. I have a total of five Bibles, 2 are KJV and the remaining 3 are different versions. I can take from each of these Bibles along with the most recent investment of the Archaeological Bible to form my opinion of what I have learned. Taking from the days events that I live, I can then go through and find verses that reflect my day. A format will be in order to give consistency, while consistency in life or faith is not what I'm going for, it is more of a path so that I always know what to say about a day/reading.


The Possible Format -

1. A poem, much like earlier today, a quote, or a verse from the Bible.
   
2. A synopses of my day.
3. A lesson learned from that day or a feeling from that day.
4. Bible verses that resemble or go along with the lesson learned.
   
5. A song that resembles through lyrics the feelings that I felt throughout the day.
6. The ultimate conclusion about the lesson and the Bible verses.

This is a possible format where all, some, or none could be present in a given day. Some times a song might reflect my feelings more so than words that I could come up with. Thus, each day that I am able to write on this blog I will. However, a promise to write on here is not made.

I will try to do this for at least 30 days straight, while the promise is not there. After 26 days of doing something without fail, it will become a habit. This is my goal, to make a habit out of reading the text/ listening to it with the KJV CD's that I purchased, and discussing what I have learned from the days text reading/ events. In many ways, my earlier post resembles this; thus, I will leave you with that thought.

Lesson 1 - Forgive & Forget

In the night, I don't feel right
Every time I do, I fall down in spite
The recollections growing, I need to overcome
Overcome the thought of you
The thought of you walking away.

In your arms, I couldn't be touched,
In your eyes, I felt so much,
In your arms, I do belong,
In your heart, I will stay,
In your mind, never to go away.


I lie down trying to fight
that which has a hold of me tonight.
The memories of you, the memories of us,
We almost made it to forever,
but it was over way to soon,
now I must fight these feelings,
fight what has consumed me
Fight them to move on,
fight them to gain control.

Is it wrong when I have memories that I don't want to let go of? When you spend so much of your time with someone, when you give up everything to make them happy and yet they don't want you in the same way, you have to let them go. This feet is easier said than done. While moving on is very real to me, so is the thoughts from the past. To remember the past is to judge the future in the same light. I think that's why they say "forgive and forget." You can't forgive someone if you still linger on their actions and you can't move on until you forgive the wrongs and forget them so you don't judge or expect the same from your future. You will get what you expect as you will settle for what you expect. Most would say that forgetting is easy and forgiving is hard; I beg to differ. Those that are strong can forgive, no matter the wrong done as we are to forgive 70X70 or, in other words, always. Even if it is the most awful wrong done, we should forgive them, that may be difficult for a very big wrong, but it must be done. However, to forget is harder, in my opinion. I can "forgive" someone for telling a secret that I swore them to secrecy about, I can forgive someone who messed up with their life, someone who did just about anything, but to forget what they did that made you feel as bad as it did, that is hard. To just put it out of your mind isn't something that you can just wish for, it is hard. It doesn't happen over night. So what to do then?

I'm not sure what to do in every situation, but abbsence can make the heart grow farther. So, to distance yourself from the wrong doer may be best. While one might not be able to do this, to forgive someone and never have to face them is easiest. If you have to face them daily, I don't know what to do. To look at them and only see what they did... I'm not sure how to get over that; this is what I need to work on. I know how to forgive and forget when I never have to see that person's face again, but if I have to face you daily, I don't know.

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Hebrews 10:17

Then he adds: "Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more."

Psalm 103:12

as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Mark 11:25

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. "

Options & and the Fight Within

Have you ever felt as if an option is before you that, if you go one way, you are sure it could be the best thing that will ever happen to you, or, if you go another way, that you are in the realm of uncertainty? While nothing is certain, I have multiple options before me. Some of which are really great options that I know will make me prosper in my future; others will bring despair. Some will make me so happy; others will make it so that I don't know if I'll be happy. Some will give me a, in my opinion, perfect man; others could lead me to what might seem to be such, but really isn't. Life is full of options and the choices you make. You really don't know right now what is the best option, but no matter what you choice, the plan is already laid out in front of you. You know which options sounds amazing, you know that you could jump the gun and begin what could be an amazing life. However, if you jump the gun to what may seem like the perfect life, it could be the worst mistake of your life. What we think is the right path can really bring us to death. What do you do in that situation?
You should wait it out, view all the options, take it all in, rationalize it, let it sink into your heart and let your mind and heart wrestle with it. Then, and only then, should you make a decision. Some opportunities, if they come, need to be taken by the horns and ran with, but this option is not one that requires running. This situation requires a nice stroll through the park, take in the roses, trees, scenery, and the fresh dog poop that just got on your shoe. When you know everything, both good and bad about an option, you can properly evaluate the best course of action. If this opportunity passes me by, it wasn't meant to be. If it sticks around, it is here for good and because that is what I'm supposed to do. Until all the options are weighed, I will not decide; I should not decide.

"Winter Winds" - Mumford & Sons

As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

We'll be washed and buried one day my girl
And the time we were given will be left for the world
The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague
So let the memories be good for those who stay

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"
Yes, my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Oh the shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved
Was the same that sent me into your arms
Oh and pestilence is won when you are lost and I am gone
And no hope, no hope will overcome

And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"



"Sigh No More" - Mumford & Sons

Serve God, love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me
You know me

But man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

And there is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be


"After The Storm" - Mumford & Sons

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

"Not Pretty Enough" - Kasey Chambers

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken

Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken

Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken

Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

The MonthsTo Come

These next few months are going to be very eventful.

February -

The 11th is my first block exam for Accounting 208, oh joy. While I love accounting, it is my major after all, I can't help but feel dread when it comes to these block exams.

The 14th is Valentines day and I, of course, have no "valentine".

The 21st is Presidents Day so I don't have to work, but I do have an exam at UD in macroeconomics.

The 22nd I have another test, this one is in statistics.

March -

The 3rd-6th is mid-term break at UD. I will be heading down to Tennessee to see the new apartment and to bring a car load of stuff down.

The 10th is my dad's birthday.

The 11th is my second accounting block.

April -

The 8th is my third accounting block exam.

The 14th-26th someone very special will be in town!

The 20th- 25th is Easter Break in which I will be moving all of my belongings, except a weeks worth of clothes, to Tennessee. At this time I will need to change my license and such to Tennessee. Money will be flying out the window... Boo!!!!

May-

The 2nd-6th are my last finals at UD.

The 6th is Jenny's Birthday.

The 7th I move to Tennessee for good.

The 11th is Hannah's Birthday.

There is a synopses of the next few months. Ba humbug...

A Lesson...

Gehenna-- what is it? It is Hell. This is where there will be gnashing of teeth, this is the eternal fire, this is Hell.

Gehenna is a place that, in the first century, everyone throw away their trash and they burnt their trash to get ride of it. When Jesus spoke about an eternal fire, hell, or where there would be gnashing of teeth He was speaking of Gehenna. So, if Gehenna/ Hell is a place on Earth, what does it really mean?

When Gehenna is translated into Hell in the Bible, Jesus was always reference one of the the bellow sins:

Hatred or contempt, lust, fear, making fellow follower stumble, or hypocrisy.

• When one would hate someone or have contempt against them, they would say "raca" or worthless. To tell someone they are worthless is telling them that they are dehumanized and that they are like trash.You are telling them that they can go into the eternal fire as they have no worth on Earth.
  
• Lust isn't just about sex, it is about stepping on someone to get what you want from them. To use a relationship for the good of you only.
  
• To make another stumble is self explanatory; nevertheless, it is doing anything that would hinder another persons relationship with God.
  
• Hypocrisy- Everyone is a hypocrite sometime. Just realize as it is worthless and does nothing for your character except make you worthless to everyone as they cannot trust what you say.
  

These things I need to work on. I say I hate things in fun like "I hate the Steelers" during a football game. I want a lot of things in this life, while I'm thankful for what I have, I realize that I take most of it for granted. I make myself stumble, so I know that I make others stumble. My life is one hypocrisy after another... These things I need to work on as I am living through the eternal fire that is Gehenna.

I need to remember what God gave me, and all of us, breathe. He breathed his breathe into me so that I could live. He saved me from Gehenna. I need to remember what I have and be ever thankful as I am very fortunate. While I complain that the world is collapsing around me, that I have to hold up everything on my shoulders, I fail constantly to remember what God has done for me and continues to do. While many people in my life don't believe or have a different religion than I do, this only brings me closer to God. I realize that just because they don't believe as I believe doesn't make them wrong. In fact, I can learn something about their religion, faith, or belief that can help me grow in my own or bring to light something that I didn't know. I have been to a Catholic Church, Nondenominational, spoken with Jehovah's Witnesses, learned how the ancient Hebrews and Greeks lived, etc. I haven't learned so many things from each of these religions, faiths, and people. It is amazing how much I thought I knew, but had no idea about. So, I know that the last two posts have been about self improvement, but this is something that I know that I need to do. Before I move to Tennessee, I need to be the person that I want to be or I will be changing when I need to be who I am.

To learn more on this subject go to theparadoxchurch.org or listen to the podcast from The Paradox Church.

"Driving Nails" - Demon Hunter

I was the light
I was the quiet heart
I was the place we used to dwell
And when the cold would tear your life apart,
I was the warmth that you had felt

What have I become?
Thoughts like shadows swelling through my mind
What have I become?
Something else inside

Is driving nails into my soul
Angels from my door
Driving nails into my soul
Something inside

I was the blood inside you broken heart
I was the stone that you had held

I close my eyes
Search for you
Retracing every step

When I'm Gone

So many things are going to change when I move in April/ beginning of May. Thinking about what I have learned while in College and while in Ohio is amazing. I'll try to share a little of what I have learned and hope for. Nevertheless, be all that you are. Change is inevitable, love it and learn to embrace it.


I hope/ wish that:

• Everyone that I leave behind will take every opportunity that comes there way; that they don't let their life pass them by.
• Everyone that I leave behind will be able to remember the lessons that they have learned in their life time.
  
• That everyone will see that everything had a purpose, and that nothing was put in front of them for no reason.
  
• That they have helped me to grow as a person, as a family member, and as a friend.
  
• That fear won't hold them back as it has held me back.
  
• That they will live their lives to the fullest, no matter what that means.
  
• That they will let go of the drama that surrounds them and learn to love life as it was meant to be lived.
  
• That they will realize what they mean to everyone around them, find out who their real friends are, realize who is using them, and realize what makes them who they are.
  
• To be strong when they can be, but be weak when the need to be. Let someone carry you as you have carried others.
  

What I've Learned:

1. Let men do what they want to do. Either they will love you for it, take better care of you for it, or lie, cheat, and steal. Either way, you will know if they really love you or not.
   
2. Let the past be the past; don't go back. There is a reason it is your past and not your present.
   
3. When something happens to you that you don't understand, it doesn't matter whether or not you understand it, but rather, what you do with the situation that life has presented you.
4. People can be the best and worst thing in your life, but man/ woman was not made to be alone. I was a loner, or I thought I was. You are your worst when you think you know it all and have no room to grow.
   
5. The things you think you "own" you don't. This life is just something here for the time being. It isn't forever. What you own doesn't make you who you are, it is what you can live without that shows who you are.
   
6. To have a rumor spread about you just means that someone has no life. If its true, you can come clean and no one will hate you more then they did when they found out the rumor. If it isn't true, then you can disprove it and have your life back.
   
7. To lie gets you nowhere. That is something I have definitely learned.
8. Do your best in everything you do, that is all you have. People don't remember how fast you did something, just how well you did it and how you made them feel.
   
9. How you look doesn't matter, if you don't like how you look change it, if someone else doesn't like it, then screw them.
   
10. Whatever you believe in, dig deeper in it. Find who you are in what you believe and don't let that belief go. Faith is all you have.
    

"When I'm Gone"

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There are secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Or maybe I'm just blind...

Or maybe I'm just blind...

[Chorus]
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone...

When your education X-Ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

[Chorus]

Or maybe I'm just blind...

[Chorus]

Love me when I'm gone...

Love me when I'm gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone

Eleven Regrets

Today I will start on a journey; a journey to find the right path for me.

During the past week, I found out a lot about myself. Something that were good, somethings were just the opposite. As a quick synopsis, here is a list of just a few of the things I have learned:

1. I didn't know as much as I thought I did in regards to my faith - So I bought a King James Bible on CD so I can read and listen at the same time. Also, I will be attending a church when I move to Tennessee and I'm looking for a decent one in Ohio still for the next 4 months.
   
2. I try to defend everything I say because I always feel I'm being attacked - I don't need to do this anymore. If you cannot take me at my word, you obviously don't know me well enough for me to care. Moreover, if someone believes a false statement about me, unless it goes against my moral being, I have to let it slide and know that the statement is false.
   
3. I take everything way to seriously - so, I am learning to relax.
   
4. I over think everything - so, I have to take things at face value and not trying to psychoanalyze everything. When I take things for what they are, I can cause myself less stress.
   
5. People seem to think I'm a drama queen - so, I deleted my Facebook, and I will separate myself from conversations that could lead to drama. While everyone's problems seem to rely on my help, I will only give advise when I know both sides of the story and when asked.
   
6. I'm still a jealous person - so, I must realize that no one is "mine". I can only be with someone if they want to be with me. It should never be a "must" or a "have to" situation. If there is love, it will remain.
7. I can't laugh at myself - So, I found someone who can make me realize my errors and downfalls that can make me laugh about them.
   
8. I don't know how to be "single" - So, I will remain single, truly single, at least until I move to Tennessee and have time to really have a great relationship. A relationship must start out as friends for it to work. I won't jump from a man and remain, in the technical term "single" hoping to find what I'm looking for. I must know how to fill my own void so that I can be happy on my own to make a man happy.
   
9. My past has been far less than perfect - So, I will try to make the best out of every outcome whether good or bad.
   
10. I have turned myself into what I hate - so, I will find what about myself that I hate and try to change these things. For example: jealousy, pessimism, doubt, lack of confidence, amazing ability to lie without regard to what the consequences are, defending things that don't need to be defended, recognizing who my friends are and who I can and can't trust, money-loving, fear of not being able to financially make it, etc.
    
11. I wonder what God thinks of me when he looks down on me - So, I will try to live my life, as best I can, in a way that I would be proud to show to God.
    

These things are just a small list of what I have learned in the past week. In the end everything will work out as God planned it.

I will grow in my faith and everything will fall into place from there.

When you think your life isn't worth living anymore is when you find what is worth living for.

Eleven Regrets - Manic Drive


Put my head up against the wall
I couldn't help but stall
With eleven regrets and one flower
I'm lost and I'm ashamed
Cause all I have to give
Is eleven regrets and one flower

My God what I have become?
A broken man with no second chances
Who am I to say that you're to blame?

I want to be who I say I am
But my actions show that I modestly can't
Have I tuned into what I hate?

CHORUS

Consequences are interesting
When the thorns penetrate
But can't go deep enough to bleed
Oh I wish right now that was the case

What kind of example am I
If I continue this way defiling my life?
What if they knew me like You do?

And I wonder what You think
When You're staring down at me
Is it time to intervene?

CHORUS

And I wonder what You think
When You're staring down at me
Is it time to intervene?
And I wonder what she'll think
When she's staring down at me
Maybe it's time to intervene?

Changes...

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become." -Unknown

In so many ways life is changing. Family is moving, friends are separating, love is extinguishing, and life seems to be in a blur. Family is moving to Tennessee and West Virginia. Friends are becoming "not so good" friends. Love is no longer something that I think I will ever have. Still, life in general is a mess. For instance, I will be transferring to UTK in Fall 2011. This means that I'll be moving to Tennessee with my mom. I will have no friends, I will be at a new school with new professors and new people. While everyone in Tennessee is very nice, I'm not sure what will happen to the "friends" that I have in Ohio. People that I thought cared, I have learned do not care at all. And while all of this seems like a very negative thing; I feel that it is a change for the good. I hate the person that I am/ the person that I became. This is my chance to start over, to be who I want to/ was meant to be. Still, there are so many things that I will miss about Ohio. For one thing, I'll miss my true friends, Ted especially. I have to move to Tennessee as it is the best option in every way.

In the past two years, I have learned a lot about who I am. Seeing myself change from what I was in high school to what I am in college is not the typical college student change. I changed not so much in the major things like my desire to be the best, my competitive obsession, my resistance to help unless I greatly need it, my straightforwardness, or even my "I must have a 4.0 GPA" goal/ desire. I haven't changed my love for music, action and comedy movies, or my want to help everyone but myself. I have changed in the following ways: I know what it is like to love someone that loves someone else (I have felt a deep pain that I have never experienced before), I know my level of jealously and that I don't need to be quite so jealous, I am able to relax a little more, and I don't need to be "in a relationship" to be nearly whole. I feel like I'm missing a large part of me, I can't be held or hold someone, I see the one that I love holding someone else. I appear to be strong, but I'm not as strong as I appear. There is more to me than meets the eye and no one is willing to reach down, pull me out from between my four walls and get to know me.


How does one become the person they were supposed to be from the beginning? I feel like I'm nearly there, but not quite. Like there is this huge sign that I missed along the way that said "Turn Here". I feel like I'm collapsing under my own weight... I don't know what to do. This feeling of helplessness is not one that is foreign to me, but is foreign that I am sharing it. I'm just glad that no one reads this blog as it has been inactive for so long.


For now, you have read the thoughts on my mind. The thought that my world, as I know it, is changing. I believe it is for the better, but I am not sure. To many in Ohio, they feel that I am running away, when really I would rather stay and be in my "land of the ordinary and familiar" as opposed to the " land of the unknown". Come on, who really wants to be in the land of unknown. So I will leave you with a couple of quotes about changing.

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.” - Arnold Bennett

"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do." - Benjamin Spock

Make...

Make every decision count,
Make life worth living,
and see the best in people.
Trust them until they give you a reason not to,
then trust them when they gain your trust back.

Make choices you'd be proud of,
don't regret what you do.


All of these things are what I'm trying to live by... it is harder to do then to say.

Eyes Wide Shut, My Darkness - By: Anna Pacella

Eyes Wide Shut

My eyes are wide shut,
open to oblivion,
closed to all else.

My eyes are wide shut,
so many things have punctured my heart,
it's time to release.

My eyes are wide shut,
nothing else matters anymore,
It's now the hour to go and have my relief.

My eyes are wide shut,
closed to all,
open to none.

My eyes wide shut,
To close for comfort,
all else fails.

My Darkness

My darkness has surounded me,
in every direction it comes,
my world is falling apart,
what I thought I knew, I don't,
all I had was lost,
What I thought I was mine, isn't,
all I knew is lost,
together we rise,
together we fall,
but I'm the one that's in the hole,
everything coming around me,
has been a great big blurm
now I see why it's coming
around me like a cage,
the cage has trapped me
in its fine bars,
everything coming around me,
PLEASE, just go away!

Friend of Mine

Friend of Mine - By: Me

All my life,

Friends have come and gone,

I thought I finally found one

that would be hard to find,

My guess was wrong,

and now all I ever see

is her all over him,

He isn't mine and I know that with out a doubt,

But someday he will be,

very, very soon.

what doesn't kill you,

will make you stronger,

maybe the pain inside,

will keep me that much longer.

If ever you find a friend,

you think is true,

make sure you analyze before you find out,

that they turned their back on you.

Numb Feeling

Numb Feeling - By: Me
4-14-06

What doesn't kill you,
will makes you stronger,
maybe the pain inside,
will keep me that much longer,
everyday I see it fit,
to see my one desire,
but everyday it comes and goes,
like a candle that burnt out it fire.

My heart has turned to ash,
broken one to many time.
My stomach turns to knots,
in a twist and in a bind.
My head begins to ache,
to the point of no return.
My eyes begin to glisten,
everything turns into a blur.

This life that had surrounded me,
has taken me on a ride,
though twist, and turns, and corksrews, and into many bind,
I lead the life ahead with many doubts,
but I'm forced to lead it ahead with a smile instead of frowns

My heart has turned to ash,
broken one to many times.
My stomach turns to knots,
in a twist and a bind,
My head begins to ache,
to the point of no return.
My eyes begin to glisten,
everything into a blur.

My life will be just like this,
until the day I die,
but my friends will keep me going,
for the rest of time.

I bored... but nothing else going on, so there is a poem I made. ttyl
Love you all,
Anna

Stacey Charter- Some Good Quotes

" Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable becomes available, the unattainable... attainable. Have patience, wait it out it's all about timing."

"Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”

"Life can be like a roller coaster...And just when you think you've had enough,and your ready to get off the ride and take the calm, easy merry-go round...You change your mind, throw you hands in the air and ride the roller coaster all over again.That's exhilaration...that's living a bit on the edge...that's being ALIVE."

" Life is filled with so many exciting twists and turns. Hop off the straight and narrow whenever you can and take the winding paths. Experience the exhilaration of the view from the edge. Because the moments spent there, that take your breath away, are what make you feel truly alive."

All of these are by Stacey Charter. I think there awesome!

Another random quote and stuff!

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love, I am a whole complex package. Take me ... Or leave me, accept me - or walk away! Don't try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I do not fit your idea of who I should be and do not try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad, you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you "
Stacey Charter.

Random Quotes!

Well there is more about my life on the other one I did today but I like quotes so here yah go!

1. You can't lose what you never had

2. While I thought I was learning how to live. I have really been learning how to die.

3. Tell someone there are 5 billion stars in the sky and he'll believe you, tell him a bench is wet he just has to touch it.

4. I carved your name into the side of a bullet so you knew you were the last thing going through my mind.

5. I do it because I can, I can because I want to, I want to because you said I couldn't.

6. I've been waiting my whole life for this moment, now that I have it, I have no clue what to do with it.

7. Never look behind when your ahead, never give up when your behind.

8. Stop worrying about the world ending today - it's already tomorrow in Australia.

9.Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelliently.

10. Ability is what you're capable of doing, motivation determines what you do, attitude determines how well you do it.